I'm pissed, God.

This is a post that has been brewing for awhile so bear with me.  It's more than likely not going to make much sense.

It all started because I've been thinking recently about a dear internet friend of mine who I met on a pregnancy loss message board.  In the past two + years she's had three losses and is now struggling to get pregnant period which in my mind is ridiculously, painfully unfair.  I don't get it. I don't understand how such an incredibly funny, loving and all around wonderful person has to go through such heartache.  

And then today I found out that another internet friend lost her son at 24.5 weeks gestation. She's also had multiple losses and a lot of personal turmoil recently and again I'm left wondering how the hell this works out.  How this person who has been so loving and so supportive to so many others going through a loss, pregnancy after a loss and the struggle of new mommyhood has this happen is beyond me.

And all this brings me back to faith.  Believe it or not, I'm a fairly religious person.  That's not to say that I am a saint or even that good of a person but I do believe in God and am a practicing Catholic.  I strongly believe in the idea of free will, that we choose the paths we take in life and God is there, loving and supporting us as we go.  He's there to celebrate with us when we have great joy and success, there to comfort us when we are struggling and patiently waits for us to come back when we head down the wrong path.  

But here is the thing, and why this post is titled "I'm pissed, God."  Because I am.  What is happening to these women, and others, isn't free will.  They didn't choose a path that allowed this to happen to them.  And while a part of my belief in free will is that sometimes bad, horrible things happen to good people and there is no reason for that.  God didn't make it happen and because of free will he doesn't stop it from happening; we aren't his puppets after all.  BUT, come on God,  sometimes you need to step up.  To intervene.  I see cases where you do all the time (if you've read Stellan's story it's obvious that God intervened in a big way) so why, why, why didn't you intervene here?

Is it some sort of test of faith?  For them?  For me?  Are you trying to make examples out of them?  Are you busy with other things?  Whatever it is, it's crap.  You heard me God.  This is a big fat bunch of crap.  And right now, I think you suck a little bit.  Or a lot.  

Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I am going to stop believing or stop having faith because I know the only thing that will help me to find peace, shit even some sort of acceptance would be a vast improvement at this point, is God.  But I am using my free will to be mad.  Hotel room wrecking mad in fact but the knowledge of my itty bitty bank account keeps me from doing that.  

And just for you, God, in case you need a reminder.  Maybe you should even right this down so you don't forget...

intervene - a: to come in or between by way of hindrance or modification <intervene to stop a fight> b: to interfere with the outcome or course especially of a condition or process (as to prevent harm or improve functioning)