New blog

I've started a new blog to chronicle our life as a threesome.  This blog was started when I was in a very different place in life and it just doesn't fit me anymore.  I hope you'll join me at my new blog...

One of the Lucky Ones

I think I need to change the name of my blog

Yesterday was my 28th birthday and I had the most wonderful day with my boys.  I did have to go to work but I got to go out to dinner, spend some extra quality time with Jon and Michael together and individually and had an especially yummy (but not very pretty, lol) cake.  I can't believe how different things are in just a year.  Last year I was just starting to feel Michael's kicks and now he is crawling all over the place.  Last year I was sitting on the couch alone and this year I was curled up next to my husband.  

And all I can think is how lucky I am to have this amazing life to share with a husband I adore and a son who makes every moment worth living.  When I started this blog I chose the title "Sometimes I feel lucky..." because I was in the midst of a really difficult time in my life and even though I had so much to be thankful for sometimes I just couldn't see it.  Now I look at my life and feel so blessed, so loved and so lucky.

I should change the title of this blog to "One Lucky Bitch" :-)

Memorial Day

Tonight I sat in bed giving Michael a bottle, my husband was sitting next to me and I was crying.  I was crying because I was so completely and entirely happy.  Sometimes it just blows me away that I get to be a part of something so completely perfect and complete.  

And then I cried because I was able to have this moment.  This time last year I was saying goodbye to my husband and I know that somewhere, some other military family is doing the same.  There are military families trying to keep things going and take care of each other while a loved one is deployed.  And there are military families who are struggling to deal with the injury or death of their loved one.  Those families won't get to have that moment I had tonight, some of them will never get to have those nights again.  

So tonight, as you enjoy your BBQs and lament the fact that you have to go to work tomorrow, please take a second to remember members of the military and their families.  

I'm pissed, God.

This is a post that has been brewing for awhile so bear with me.  It's more than likely not going to make much sense.

It all started because I've been thinking recently about a dear internet friend of mine who I met on a pregnancy loss message board.  In the past two + years she's had three losses and is now struggling to get pregnant period which in my mind is ridiculously, painfully unfair.  I don't get it. I don't understand how such an incredibly funny, loving and all around wonderful person has to go through such heartache.  

And then today I found out that another internet friend lost her son at 24.5 weeks gestation. She's also had multiple losses and a lot of personal turmoil recently and again I'm left wondering how the hell this works out.  How this person who has been so loving and so supportive to so many others going through a loss, pregnancy after a loss and the struggle of new mommyhood has this happen is beyond me.

And all this brings me back to faith.  Believe it or not, I'm a fairly religious person.  That's not to say that I am a saint or even that good of a person but I do believe in God and am a practicing Catholic.  I strongly believe in the idea of free will, that we choose the paths we take in life and God is there, loving and supporting us as we go.  He's there to celebrate with us when we have great joy and success, there to comfort us when we are struggling and patiently waits for us to come back when we head down the wrong path.  

But here is the thing, and why this post is titled "I'm pissed, God."  Because I am.  What is happening to these women, and others, isn't free will.  They didn't choose a path that allowed this to happen to them.  And while a part of my belief in free will is that sometimes bad, horrible things happen to good people and there is no reason for that.  God didn't make it happen and because of free will he doesn't stop it from happening; we aren't his puppets after all.  BUT, come on God,  sometimes you need to step up.  To intervene.  I see cases where you do all the time (if you've read Stellan's story it's obvious that God intervened in a big way) so why, why, why didn't you intervene here?

Is it some sort of test of faith?  For them?  For me?  Are you trying to make examples out of them?  Are you busy with other things?  Whatever it is, it's crap.  You heard me God.  This is a big fat bunch of crap.  And right now, I think you suck a little bit.  Or a lot.  

Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I am going to stop believing or stop having faith because I know the only thing that will help me to find peace, shit even some sort of acceptance would be a vast improvement at this point, is God.  But I am using my free will to be mad.  Hotel room wrecking mad in fact but the knowledge of my itty bitty bank account keeps me from doing that.  

And just for you, God, in case you need a reminder.  Maybe you should even right this down so you don't forget...

intervene - a: to come in or between by way of hindrance or modification <intervene to stop a fight> b: to interfere with the outcome or course especially of a condition or process (as to prevent harm or improve functioning)

Happy Mother's Day

On this day that is meant to celebrate motherhood, I want to take a moment to send my thoughts and prayers to those Mother's that people may not recognize as mothers.  Regardless of when these women lost their babies or if they are still struggling to get that first positive test, the love and strength they show each and every day inspires me to be a better Mom.  My prayers are with you so that next Mother's Day everyone else will see you as the amazing mothers I already know you are.

Told ya so

 See, I'm back.  For reals.

So where was I...Ah yes, the three month mark when I started to realize that I didn't just instinctively care for this little being but that I actually enjoyed his company.  Seriously, when he started smiling and cooing it was such a game changer.  It was sort of like putting $5 of gas in a car with the gas light on - just enough to keep me going until the next gas station.

So all of this started happening at right about three months which of course was right when I needed to start working again.  So the irony of it was that I spent a big chunk of my maternity leave looking forward to going back to the office (I was actually on email the day Michael was born *hangs head in shame*) but when the day finally came it was awful.  I was THAT Mom, sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out and begging God to somehow drop a bag full of money in my lap so that I didn't have to work.

But as we all know, a) God has more important things to worry about than my temper tantrum and request for bags of money and b) he knows much better than I do so the money never appeared and back to work 40+ hours a week I went.  Do I love my job?  No.  But I do love my son, and deep down I know that being away from him for 8 hours a day makes me a better parent because I have more reserves to deal with his crankiness, getting into everything etc than I would if I had to deal with it all day everyday.  I don't know how SAHMs do it day in and day out.  

Of course, going back to work means getting back on the road so I've spent the past 10 days in Colorado Springs, CO.  And I survived.  Barely.  Michael has been home with his  Dad and I am one lucky, lucky girl to have a man like Michael's Dad in my life.  Seriously.  This guy was a full time single parent for 10 days after about 4 days of baby boot camp and he managed to survive a round trip drive from VA to NJ with a stop in Philly, a fever that wouldn't go away, an ER trip, a doctor's office visit, a heat wave and still managed to do laundry and run the vacuum at least once that I know of.  Do I need to say anymore for you to understand why I love this guy so much?

And I guess that you all (ok, ok both of you) have figured out that DH has returned from Iraq and is home with his family.  I promise next time I'll blog all about that, which will just give me the chance to gush all the more about how incredibly, ridiculously, disgustingly, over the top in love I am with this guy and how I am beyond lucky that he is my baby daddy.  But for now, I need to go and pack my suitcase so that in 16 hours I can be landing back in VA and get those boys of mine back in my arms.

I mean it this time

So about a month ago I said that I was back.  And then I went away.  But I'm back again and this time I mean it.  At least I intend to mean it.

Anyway, I guess I should get you all caught (ok more like both of you) caught up on me.  My last posts were in September...so since then, I had a baby.  Which is really great considering I was still pregnant and more than a little scared back then.  The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful.  I had a shower thanks to some wonderful friends in VA, got things ready and ended up going in for an induction on November 17, 2008.  A relatively short 13 hours later, I was staring into the eyes of my goo covered, pissed off son.  

I suppose this would be a good place to write down every detail of Michael's birth so I won't ever forget it but in all honesty I'm just not that type of blogger/person.  I had my son, some details remain (painfully) fresh and others are starting to fade.  In a way I think that is the natural order of things - I don't want to spend my time trying to record every moment with Michael so I won't forget it.  I want to spend my time enjoying those moments with him.

I will say that mother-hood has been life altering but not in the Lifetime movie sort of way I imagined.  I admit that when he was screaming his goo covered little head off in my face I wasn't overwhelmed with love or crying with joy.  I was just stunned.  It took a few hours and some kangaroo care to finally look at him and say to myself "oh, thats right.  I had a baby, this is him.  He's nice enough, guess I'll keep him."  I didn't love him with an all consuming passion the moment he was born - there was a very instinctual need to care for him and I did love him but it wasn't this amazing life altering moment like so many new Mom's describe.  

And let me just interject here and say that I love Michael.  Love, love, love him but it was a process and I don't think enough people say that.  People would ask and I would tell them that I loved him more than anything, and I did and I would have done anything for him.  But it wasn't this blissful lovefest that so many people seem to expect it to be.  There was lots of screaming (mostly him) and crying (probably a tie) those first few weeks.  And lots of doubt and thoughts of what the hell was I thinking.  And yes, I said I.  My poor deployed husband was so far out of my thoughts at that point in time that I all but forgot about him at times until he called.  

But things slowly started to get better.  It takes a while but eventually Michael went from being a soul sucking leach (ok, maybe that is a bit much) to a person.  A person who I loved and started to like being around.  For me it was at about 3 months when I realized that I liked being around Michael more than anyone else and that those feelings were only growing.

So in order to prevent this from becoming the blog post of all blog posts and to make sure that I have more to blog about tomorrow I am going to end here.

Seriously, I'm back this time.  Cross my heart.

I'm back.

Yeah, so. Ummmm...hi.

The problem with blogging is that when you go a way for a long time its hard to come back and then when you do its hard to figure out what to say. So then you put it off, which just makes it harder and so and so on.

So where to start. I guess saying that Michael has arrived and is four months old today is a good place. He is my greatest joy and blessing. There aren't words for what I feel, how to explain my emotions but I am going to work on that because I want to put it into words.

But its late, and I need to get to bed. I'll be back though. Honestly.