January 31, 2008

Tonight I watched Eli Stone, a new show on ABC. Tonights show is all about faith.

Faith is one of those things that I am slowly starting to get back since my m/c. I lost faith in myself and my ability to have a child. I lost faith in my husband and in our marriage. I even started to lost some of my faith in God. But with time, I'm finding it again, not all at once or even in big chunks. I found faith again in bits and pieces, like the chewed up pieces of squeaky toys Frank leaves around the apartment. And here I am, nearly seven months later - more in love with my husband then ever, in a marriage that is stronger than I would have imagined it being and I'm even going back to church.

Though faith in myself and my ability to have a child, that is a little harder to find. It's out there though, I just need to wait for it. I have faith.

January 30, 2008

Today, two not so great things happened.  First, I had to take Frank to the vet.  Poor little thing had blood coming out of his butt so I took him in for an emergency check up.  Fortunately, it was nothing serious so a bland diet and two weeks of antibiotics should do the trick.

Second, I got news from perezhilton.com.  Not Brangelina news, or news on JLo's delivery in Long Island.  Real news about presidential candidates.  I feel dirty.

January 29, 2008

I hate secrets. Not the good kind, because that can be fun. But the don't tell someone this because it's going to upset them kind of secret.

My Mother in law still doesn't know her son is going back to Iraq. Well, I think she knows but he hasn't told her so I think she is trying to convince herself its not him. And when she finds out...oh Lord, when she finds out. She has a unique ability I've noticed of making anything she doesn't like directly targeted at her. He'll be going back to Iraq just to upset her I am sure.

So I'm not looking forward to her finding out, but I hate that she doesn't know. I think she has a right to know. And I just want to start dealing with the drama that's to come because when its time for him to go, all I want to deal with is him.

January 28,2008

Tonight was the State of the Union address.  I wonder what the founding fathers would think of the debacle that is the SOTU today - an hour of carefully choreographed cheering, standing ovations and special guests invited to tug at the heart strings of the American public.  Each party trying to show that they are the ones that care more about the American public, that they are more patriotic and more worthy to lead our nation because of how well they clap on cue.

The President outlined several programs to help military families and spouses - better support for children, daycare support, government job programs for spouses, etc etc etc.  Here's a hint. How about bringing the troops home to be with their families.  How about being a little more thoughtful about when you decide to send them off to war and for how long.  Because at the end of the day, as someone who is a military spouse I'd much rather have my husband here with me then a government job or cheap daycare.    

January 27, 2008

I'm waiting. And I suck at waiting.

But all I can do is wait.

January 26, 2008

I hate memorizing things. I just spent a little over an hour at the library memorizing things for my TCRG exam and I think my head might explode. And in the back of my mind I am already worrying that if I can't even study for more than an hour at a time how in God's name am I ever going to be ready for this exam??

::takes a deep breath::

Alright, study time is over. Time to enjoy the rest of the day/evening with my hubs.

January 25, 2008

Everybody's workin for the weekend

Ah, Friday. The actions on my to do list are crossed off, my inbox is relatively empty and the office is starting to clear out. Best of all, hubby is within an hour of getting home and we are going to...enjoy...some quality time together.

Fridays are great because the whole weekend is stretched out in front of me - dinner tonight, studying and puttering around the house the rest of the weekend. Maybe get my car inspected too. Friday afternoon is full of potential, and as I've said before I love that feeling you get when the road in front of you is full of potential.

I've decided. This is going to be a great weekend.

January 24, 2008

This is kind of fun - kind of a get to know me type thing.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope. Though when you are Catholic you have to have a saint's name and I don't (Erin Fae). The priest baptized me because my patron saint was "All the saints of Ireland"

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today

3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I guess so. People are kind of obsessed with how neat it is.

4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef.

5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Bailey (mutt) and Frank (Boston Terror)

6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so. I'm pretty low key.

7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? Probably too much.

8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Oh hells no. Falling is one of my biggest fears.

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Captain Crunch, with crunchberries of course

11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No

12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, I've learned in recent months that I am stronger than I realized.

13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dublin Mudslide

14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their legs and feet if I can see them (dancer in me) or their smile and eyes.

15.RED OR PINK? Red

16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My flabby tummy and saddlebags

17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My hubby, all the time.

18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Bluey gray

19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue yoga pants and black Adidas sandals

20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? McDonald's ::hangs head in shame::

21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Without a Trace is on in the background.

22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple, that sounds good.

23.FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh herbs, the beach

24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The hubs.

25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? I LOVE them, especially when I am near the water and can see all the lightning flashes.

26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, I guess. Though if you consider dancing a sport, I love to watch my dancers compete (even though it totally stressed me out!)

27.HAIR COLOR? Mousy blond/light brown.

29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. In fact, I have 20/20 vision

30.FAVORITE FOOD? hmmm...I love sushi/hibachi, and burgers, and really good Italian and pasta, German food is great and don't even get me started on how much I love cheese, and the stews in Ireland...let's just say food is my favorite and leave it at that.

31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy

32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Oceans 13. "I believe she's what's called a cougar..."

33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray long sleeve with tie die t-shirt over it - was just dancing so cut me some slack.

34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.

35.Hugs or kisses? Kisses. I love kissing.

36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream

39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? It's called "The Book", a listing of all the traditional Irish ceili (group) dances - part of studying for my exam.

40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have one with the logos of all of the participating agencies in CCSDS.

41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Children laughing, baby cooing, the ocean.

42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles.

43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Beijing and believe me, it was FAR!

44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Huntingdon Valley, PA/the Philly suburbs.

January 23, 2008

I forgot to blog last night. Sorry. It was just such an ordinary day.

I did however recently make the decision to really commit to taking the TCRG exam. Getting my TC will certify me as an Irish dance teacher - would seem simple considering that I started to help teach classes while still in high school but this is an incredibly challenging exam. And I'm nervous as hell about it.

So I'll be spending my evening with flash cards, "The Book" and set music for the next few weeks. I'll try not to let my blogging suffer anymore :-)

January 22, 2008

Today was a Monday-Tuesday. The start of one of those 4 day weeks that
seem to drag on into eternity but fly by in the blink of an eye.

There was a surprise baby shower for three of my co-workers today all of whom are expecting their first child in the February - Apriltime frame . As I was due in March, its not a stretch to say that this would have been my work baby shower today too had I not had a m/c. IRSVP'd yes, but in the end I couldn't do it. Someone asked why I wasn't at the shower and my response was "Allergies. I'm allergic to all things baby." She laughed and said I would change my mind soon enough. If only she knew.

I just can't talk about having kids like its a definite anymore because it never will be for me again. My husband keeps assuring me that we will, but having lost one baby I'm afraid to ever hope for one again. Miscarriage sucks the hope right out of you and doctors will tell you how to get pregnant again, what to do about the bleeding and when you can have sex but they never tell you how to get that hope back.

Even though I've lost hope for myself, I still hope for the ladies of a pregnancy loss message board I belong to. I hope for their ovulation to occur in time with their sex weeks, I hope through their entire two week wait with them eagerly reading their symptom posts and looking at their charts. Sometimes, wonderfully, it all works out and they end up pregnant. Other times, they get their period. But I keep on hoping for
them, because I know that they have days when they are all out of hope as well and maybe someday they will get to hope for me too.

January 21, 2008

"Life isn't when. Life isn't then. Life is this."

I heard that line on TV tonight. And it made me think about my life. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the then - I was pg then, I had a m/c then - and just as much time thinking of when. When Jon is done with school, when he is on deployment, when (if) we have kids.

But that isn't what my life is. My life is this. A Monday night at home with my husband annoying the hell out of me, my two dogs sleeping on the couch and getting ready for bed at 11pm. There isn't going to be enough room in bed tonight with the four of us but I wouldn't want it any other way. Because my life is this.

January 20, 2008

I watched The Terminal last night and I realized how much the ending of that movie is like the other women I know who have experienced a loss.

The ending all starts with Gupta running up to the plane with his mop. And let's be honest, once we get AF which one of us wouldn't try to stop the witch from going to someone else. Then Victor leaves the airport. And all of the staff leaves to walk out with him, cheering him on, encouraging him and giving what they think he will need out there. And so he leaves, with all of them standing there watching him go and cheering him on. That is what happens when one of the girls we know leaves - we watch, we cheer but for most of us we can't leave the airport. And we are happy for them.

But sometimes, it breaks our heart.

January 19, 2008

Today was one of those almost perfect days.

I'm not sure if it was cheezy or cute, but today Jon and I made out like a pair of teenagers. No sex, no foreplay, nothing other than kissing with a playlist of slow songs in the background. We actually spent most of the time just cuddling, but it was wonderful to just take time to connect with no strings attached.

We went out to dinner and a little girl the next table was playing with Jon. I love watching him with kids - he amazes me with how wonderful he is with children. I can't wait until we are at dinner with children of our own.

That would be a perfect day.

January 18, 2008

Today I am angry with my husband. I am angry that I am not his #1 priority, or even #2. I am tired of waiting for our lives to start while he finishes school and plays GI Joe (again). But he keeps asking me to wait, to be patient and I say yes. Not because I want to, or even because I believe him when he says that it will all be worth it in the end. I wait because he's my husband and I made a vow in front of God and our families and friends to be with him always, in good times and bad. It just sucks that on days like this it seems like most of our time falls on the bad side of the line.

A favorite song of mine is called "Have a Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt.

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your backs against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, Ive been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

And it reminds me, that I need to have faith in him. Even when its hard, because I know he loves me and that he wants to make me happy. And maybe he needs to get his priorities in order, and maybe he needs to appreciate me more but he's trying and that's all that I can ask for.

January 17, 2008

Snow days. I love them. I left work early, went to the grocery store, drank some wine and took a nap tonight. Pretty much perfect except for the missing hubby but if life was already perfect what would I have to look forward to?

Ah, another one of those blog breakthroughs. Sure, I almost had it all but if I got it all already would I know how wonderful having it all is? Probably not. So let people with perfect lives live their perfect lives. I like having a some bumps and bruises, gives me character and reminds me how much I have to look forward to.

January 16, 2008

The WHITE DEATH is coming.

What is the WHITE DEATH (must be written all in caps btw) you ask? Some new form of terrorism? A SARS like virus with no cure?

No. It's snow in Northern Virginia.

So go ahead terrorists - dirty bomb us, infect us with smallpox, whatever. Just please...don't make it snow.

January 15, 2008

I haven't been writing much lately. I didn't want my blog to become a
downer, full of posts that are sad and hopeless but to not post when I
feel that way would defeat the whole purpose of this blog. So I'm here,
getting my emotions out.

I hate hoping. I hate that each month I try to talk myself out of it only to do it anyway. This month I did well, convinced myself that it was game over. And the my period was late, even if it was only by 24 hours. In those 24 hours my hopes sky rocketed and I let myself daydream and plan in my head about being pregnant and due in September. Then I got my period this morning. I guess I am handling it OK but having my hopes crushed again...well, its crushing.


I just want to bring a child into this world. Someone that my husband and I created together, a part of each of us. I look at him and I see the type of father he would be and I know that I would sacrifice anything to be the type of mother that I want to be. There are so many unwanted children in this world, why can't one of them find their way to us?

And then the guilt creeps in. I know DH says he's not ready to be a father and I need to respect that. I know that financially, each month we wait is a month closer to the type of financially stability that my parents never had. I know in my head that waiting is not a bad thing.

I just wish my head could explain that to my heart.

January 14, 2008

Ugh, I meant to do this earlier but just didn't. I've been a grump, ok a bitch today. Moody, cranky, the whole nine yards. I got annoyed with my boss for not coming to work and then not answering his cell phone right away. Thats how bad I am today.

And mixed in with that, AF has not arrived. My right on time AF is still not here for her scheduled visit. So that is making the hormones worse, my stress levels rise, and making me hope. And hoping just sucks because so far, when it comes to babies, hope = disappointment.

I promise, once I am done PMSing I will be a much better blogger.

January 13, 2008

OK, so this weekend I sucked at the whole blog thing. But I promise I will be back on track starting tomorrow.

I spent today continuing the great January clean of '08. I have to admit I am pretty damn proud of myself. I am going to try to do Fly Lady from now on in to keep things in order and prevent 48 hour cleaning binges from becoming necessary again.

Thinking positively, I keep telling myself to get in good habits now so I'll be able to keep them up once we have kids.

January 12, 2008

I love to clean. I love the feeling of accomplishment I have when I sit in a freshly cleaned and scrubbed room.

I'm cleaning my apartment - a fresh start. I'm all about fresh starts.

January 11, 2008

I don't think I believe that "things were meant to be" or that "God has a plan" for me. That would imply that we should just sit on our asses and wait for life to come our way. Especially since my m/c, I've come to believe that God is there to support us but that he isn't a puppet master that does and doesn't allow things to happen in life.

Last night, a friend told me that she believes that God has a plan for me and what a great Mom I will be because I will appreciate it so much more. I just can't let myself believe that God had anything to do with my m/c because the unfairness of that is just overwhelming. But I do believe that when I do get pregnant again I am going to value it more, and that when my child is born he or she is going to be loved and appreciated in a way that I couldn't have imagined doing before.

January 10, 2008

I just realized that I haven't opened my mouth in hours. I live alone with my two dogs and there is no one to talk to. So I've been mute. But there is still such a tangle in mind - so much that wants to get out and only one place for it to go so it all gets jammed up at the opening. I have fears, and crazy irrational hopes and reflections on the day and so much more, just nothing to say about it all. It's there, just right under the surface.

This weekend I am going to create an outline, a plan of action for clearing all of this stuff out. Tonight, and probably tomorrow as well I am going to be fine. Because I am a fine person.

January 9, 2008

I'm stuck. I thought that starting this blog would be a great way to get all of the things in my head out and in the open. It doesn't work that way. Even though I've kept my blog private (except for a select few ladies) I can seem to find the words to say. And I read other blogs where everything seems to just come out right and I laugh and cry with the writer. But not here, I just can't seem to make it work.

Add that to the list of things that I suck at.

January 8, 2008

Today is 6 months exactly since my miscarriage. When it was happening I didn't know that I would ever get through. But I did. Not without the help of an amazing group of women, most of whom I've never met. In this increasing technological age I found the support I needed after my loss on a pregnancy loss message board. At first, I lurked, read and learned. Then eventually I started to come further and further out of my shell, posting and, strange as it seemed at the time, made friends. This are the women who get me through the bad days, laugh at my corny jokes and that I generally enjoy spending time with. If only we all lived close enough to actually spend time together in person, though if we did I think there would be a group of very lonely husbands when it's not sex week.

So since I couldn't be cooking a baby I decided to cook some chili instead.

January 7, 2008

Hope springs eternal they say, and maybe that is the problem with hope.

Not that being hopeful is a bad thing and I admire people who can be hopeful all of the time but for me hope has gotten a bit old at this point. I am tired of hoping that my husband's deployment will be cancelled, or that this will be the month my birth control will fail and I'll end up with a surprise pregnancy. Yet each time I say I am done hoping I start hoping again.

So this morning I decided that I was done hoping, and yet here I am again. Hoping.

Hope springs eternal.

January 6, 2008

Today is our first anniversary.

One full year of wedded bliss. Or not. But hey we've made it this far and there have been more than a few occasions when I didn't think we would. Being married is ten times better and a hundred time harder than I imagined but inspite of our bumps and bruises it's been worth it.

We went to dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant and now we are home with our dogs, drinking champagne and getting ready to eat wedding cake. Jon is being jon, of course, so we are watching Simpsons/Family Guy etc.

So that's my anniversary - not a fairy-tale but what is?

January 5, 2008

There is a new woman in our life. Her name is Mary Beth and she is our new Magellan navigation system.

I didn't think I was going to like her as much as I did. I mean she did get more attention from my husband this morning than I did and it is our anniversary tomorrow, but once she and I had a chance to spend some time together I found her to be very nice and helpful. Even when I messed up her directions she remained calm and cheery while reminding to only make legal U-turns.

I started to think that I would like to get a Mary Beth for life. Something to give me directions and ways to correct my many mistakes but I realized driving directions and life are very different things. On paper, I never should have married my husband - sure there are moments when I regret the decision :-) but I love the guy and can't imagine life without him. I've made too many mistakes in life to count, but I've learned from dealing with those mistakes, and I wonder how I would be different if I was able to just make a U-turn.

So when it comes to driving in NJ, I'm glad to have Mary Beth on my windshield. But when it comes to the road of life, I'll just make it up as I go.

January 4, 2008

TGIF.

I guess that is the appropriate thing to say in this situation but I am just not feeling it. I mean, yay its Friday and I don't have to work tomorrow. But I guess I'm not in a Friday state of mind because it's only my third day in the office.

I'm heading up to NJ this weekend - and I don't know how I feel about that. I'd much rather not be making the drive but we do need to clean up all the Christmas stuff. The important thing is that we are together because Sunday is my first anniversary!!!

That's all for today - I'm off to try to get myself out of work early.

January 3, 2007

Three days in and I am already struggling to come up with things to post. Not a good sign. Still I am going to make myself do this just because I promised myself I would.

So today I got to hear my pregnant co-worker talk all about being pregnant with another friend a few cubes down from me. And I get to hear people congratulate her all the time. And I am happy for her, just sad for me that I didn't get the chance to talk to everyone about my pregnancy and to be congratulated. I wish I was sitting at home because I didn't want to be around the dust and fumes during the office renovation or wearing a little painters mask and rubbing my belly.

And wow do I talk about my miscarriage here a lot but I guess that's because I can't really talk about it anywhere else. As one of my friends said, "We are fine people" which basically means that when people ask how I am doing I always answer "Good" or "Great" or even for awhile "Peachy". But that doesn't mean that I am even sort of any of those things, it just means that I acknowledge that people don't really want to hear how I am doing, and then I get so used to people not caring that I don't even tell the people who do care. The worst part is that I always care, and people know that I always care so I get to listen to other people's problems a lot. I've got the role of the supportive friend down pat and I am glad that I can do it for them, its just that I need to learn how to ask for that support back.

So I went from not having anything to say to having a blog breakthrough which is much cheaper and less time consuming than going to a therapist. So things worked out better than expected - hope that becomes a theme in 2008.

January 2, 2008

So I realized that yesterday's post was focused on the bad stuff (or really, one bad thing) that happened to me in 2007. So while I am still feeling reflective on the past year I'd like to post about the great stuff that happened in 2007

January - I got married. When I say it was a beautiful day, I mean it was sunny and 70 in Philadelphia. If someone asked me to pick the perfect day that would have been it. Sure there were a few minor bloopers, but how can I not laugh at the fact that the groomsmen were hungover, J forgot his pants and the rabbi told us to "Live long and prosper" complete with the hand signal. I got lucky - it really was a perfect day.

April - Frank the Tank joined our family. We already had one well trained, perfectly behaved dog so why not add an untrained, hyperactive spazz of a puppy to the mix. He needed me, and at the end of the day I needed him too. J nearly killed me for it, but now that Frank is a part of the family he definitely adds to the mix. Though not always in a good way.

May - I went to China for work and got to climb the Great Wall. The food was awful, I got horrendous spider bites and was thrilled to finally get home, but I did climb the Great Wall. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience.

June/July - I got pregnant. Yes I lost the baby a few days later but I was pregnant and for that I will always be grateful. I finally really learned what it means to love and I think that made me a better person.

November/December - I got to spend my first holiday season with my husband. It was crazy and stressful at times, but also wonderful. Being with him is the best Christmas gift of all.

In other news, the office renovations continue and they are currently painting all around me. I'm getting a bit high off the fumes I fear. I talked to the pregnant girl in my office about it and she is continuing to work with a mask on because she wants to save her time off. I'm worried that when/if I ever do get pregnant again I will be every one's worst nightmare - the crazy paranoid pregnant lady. But if it gets me a healthy baby, it will be completely worth it.

January 1, 2008

Well hello, 2008. I feel like I've been waiting for you for forever.

2007 wasn't a bad year, just a year with a few really big highs, a couple big lows and lots of in between stuff. But every year I feel like this. I love the start of something new, it's full of potential and hope and freshness. When I was in school, I used to love the first few days of class because my notebooks were so new and fresh but then, just like life, they started to get a bit battered and torn with lots of scribbles and scratches as the year went on.

That was my year - started out great and bright and fresh with my wedding in January. Sure there was the associated family drama but I got married on the most unbelievably beautiful day in January. Life went on as planned until March when a condom broke and I went through those stressful days of wondering if I was or wasn't which made me realize how much I wanted to have a baby. And things continued on as planned but I reveled in the fact that I had great health insurance, tons of day care options and a flexible job so that when I did someday get pregnant things would just fall into place. Or so I thought on July 4, 2007 when I stood looking at a dollar store pregnancy test with two lines. I walked on air for four wonderful days. I didn't drink Coke (those who know me know how huge that is), ate several small, healthy meals a day, made sure to get plenty of rest and peed once every three minutes it seemed.

Then on July 8, 2007 I started to have cramps and spotting. I tried to stay calm, I was out of the country and couldn't get to a doctor, but the spotting and cramping got worse. I got on the plane that morning, flew home and immediately called my doctor who sent me to the ER. I knew what was happening and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. The bleeding was awful at the urgent care center but worse than that was the feeling of being alone and lost. I hadn't even told my husband that I was pregnant, and instead I was going to have to tell him that I had a miscarriage.

The next few days went by in a fog and everyday since then has been tinged with doubt and uncertainty. My husband isn't really ready for kids like I am and I want us both to want it so pregnant is once again a dirty word. And yet, I don't know if I will ever be happy again until I get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby - I've learned that you have to add in that second part since getting pregnant is just half the battle. Sometimes I find myself at peace with it and others I just sit and cry. My pregnancy and subsequent loss have changed me and the way I see the world. Now I need to figure out how to navigate life again.

So yes, I am glad for January 1, 2008. A new fresh start. A new, not so fresh me, but a me I am ready to get know better.