January 15, 2008

I haven't been writing much lately. I didn't want my blog to become a
downer, full of posts that are sad and hopeless but to not post when I
feel that way would defeat the whole purpose of this blog. So I'm here,
getting my emotions out.

I hate hoping. I hate that each month I try to talk myself out of it only to do it anyway. This month I did well, convinced myself that it was game over. And the my period was late, even if it was only by 24 hours. In those 24 hours my hopes sky rocketed and I let myself daydream and plan in my head about being pregnant and due in September. Then I got my period this morning. I guess I am handling it OK but having my hopes crushed again...well, its crushing.


I just want to bring a child into this world. Someone that my husband and I created together, a part of each of us. I look at him and I see the type of father he would be and I know that I would sacrifice anything to be the type of mother that I want to be. There are so many unwanted children in this world, why can't one of them find their way to us?

And then the guilt creeps in. I know DH says he's not ready to be a father and I need to respect that. I know that financially, each month we wait is a month closer to the type of financially stability that my parents never had. I know in my head that waiting is not a bad thing.

I just wish my head could explain that to my heart.