January 1, 2008

Well hello, 2008. I feel like I've been waiting for you for forever.

2007 wasn't a bad year, just a year with a few really big highs, a couple big lows and lots of in between stuff. But every year I feel like this. I love the start of something new, it's full of potential and hope and freshness. When I was in school, I used to love the first few days of class because my notebooks were so new and fresh but then, just like life, they started to get a bit battered and torn with lots of scribbles and scratches as the year went on.

That was my year - started out great and bright and fresh with my wedding in January. Sure there was the associated family drama but I got married on the most unbelievably beautiful day in January. Life went on as planned until March when a condom broke and I went through those stressful days of wondering if I was or wasn't which made me realize how much I wanted to have a baby. And things continued on as planned but I reveled in the fact that I had great health insurance, tons of day care options and a flexible job so that when I did someday get pregnant things would just fall into place. Or so I thought on July 4, 2007 when I stood looking at a dollar store pregnancy test with two lines. I walked on air for four wonderful days. I didn't drink Coke (those who know me know how huge that is), ate several small, healthy meals a day, made sure to get plenty of rest and peed once every three minutes it seemed.

Then on July 8, 2007 I started to have cramps and spotting. I tried to stay calm, I was out of the country and couldn't get to a doctor, but the spotting and cramping got worse. I got on the plane that morning, flew home and immediately called my doctor who sent me to the ER. I knew what was happening and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. The bleeding was awful at the urgent care center but worse than that was the feeling of being alone and lost. I hadn't even told my husband that I was pregnant, and instead I was going to have to tell him that I had a miscarriage.

The next few days went by in a fog and everyday since then has been tinged with doubt and uncertainty. My husband isn't really ready for kids like I am and I want us both to want it so pregnant is once again a dirty word. And yet, I don't know if I will ever be happy again until I get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby - I've learned that you have to add in that second part since getting pregnant is just half the battle. Sometimes I find myself at peace with it and others I just sit and cry. My pregnancy and subsequent loss have changed me and the way I see the world. Now I need to figure out how to navigate life again.

So yes, I am glad for January 1, 2008. A new fresh start. A new, not so fresh me, but a me I am ready to get know better.