January 22, 2008

Today was a Monday-Tuesday. The start of one of those 4 day weeks that
seem to drag on into eternity but fly by in the blink of an eye.

There was a surprise baby shower for three of my co-workers today all of whom are expecting their first child in the February - Apriltime frame . As I was due in March, its not a stretch to say that this would have been my work baby shower today too had I not had a m/c. IRSVP'd yes, but in the end I couldn't do it. Someone asked why I wasn't at the shower and my response was "Allergies. I'm allergic to all things baby." She laughed and said I would change my mind soon enough. If only she knew.

I just can't talk about having kids like its a definite anymore because it never will be for me again. My husband keeps assuring me that we will, but having lost one baby I'm afraid to ever hope for one again. Miscarriage sucks the hope right out of you and doctors will tell you how to get pregnant again, what to do about the bleeding and when you can have sex but they never tell you how to get that hope back.

Even though I've lost hope for myself, I still hope for the ladies of a pregnancy loss message board I belong to. I hope for their ovulation to occur in time with their sex weeks, I hope through their entire two week wait with them eagerly reading their symptom posts and looking at their charts. Sometimes, wonderfully, it all works out and they end up pregnant. Other times, they get their period. But I keep on hoping for
them, because I know that they have days when they are all out of hope as well and maybe someday they will get to hope for me too.