So I decided that now would be a good time to finish my "How I Met Your Father" post so that I don't have to think about other things.
So my BF and I got in her car and began to drive back to PA. The ride started out by laughing at TSM and how ridiculous he was and then I started to get a little sappy about him, how he seemed like a really great guy and that he really seemed interested in getting to know me. I of course then had to change the subject because I felt this strange warm fuzzy feeling about this guy starting to grow.
TSM was not easily deterred. He called his friend, who called BF who gave him my email to give to TSM. Apparently he then pulled together a bunch of his Marine buddies and took about 3 days to write a four line email that would show he was interested but not make him look needy. I have to admit I was impressed, so he finally got my number and we started talking pretty much everyday. A few weeks later he came up to see me and took me on a date - a real live actual date that ended with a kiss and him leaving me at the door because he "wanted to do things right this time."
So what is a damaged, commitment phobic girl to do when Mr Wonderful walks into her life? Why of course I found another guy who as one of my friends put it was a "fixer-upper." Seriously, if you ever want to see what he looks like look up loser in Websters dictionary and there is actually a picture of him. And of course I decide that this guy was a much better match for me than TSM because I never wanted to be involved with someone in the military (oh the irony of this statement now). Of course another friend was probably slightly more on the mark when she hypothesised that I avoided any relationships that had a future because I was afraid of getting hurt again.
So as hard as I tried, TSM would not give up on me. So when it became clear that just not talking to him anymore wasn't going to make him go away, I realized that I actually had to call and break up with this guy. This lead to another classic Erin-ism: The Plant Plan. I explained to him that while I enjoyed spending time with him, we were getting a little too relationshippy for me and that I simply couldn't be in a relationship with someone until I was able to keep a plant alive for six months. We get off the phone and I pat myself on the back for doing the right thing.
The next day I got a plant. Not just any plant mind you, a large green and white house plant with a note that said "I'll wait as long as it takes" Me being me, immediately calls BF and mocks the plant, throws away the note and sticks the plant on a window seat in my room, behind the door. This was in November and I can say that I completely forgot about said plant almost instantly.
The months go on, loser-guy got more loserish and further convinced me that normal healthy relationships only existed in moves and on tv. To his credit, TSM gave me some space for a few weeks and then we started chatting online here and there. I always enjoyed talking to him but I kept reminding myself that I didn't want to be involved with someone in the military. I got a job down in DC, packed my things and moved South. The relationship with loser was well on its way to ending so I was just waiting that out before moving on to conquer a whole new city.
Then I heard that TSM was going to Iraq. This was early 2003, just as the war was starting. He was the first person that I really knew who was going to be in a real war and the feelings I had were confusing. I was feeling so much at one time, that I didn't quite know how to process it all. We talked a little bit, enough for me to get his address because I told him that I would write and send care packages but I still I felt like there was so much more that needed to be said.
A few days later my Mom called and asked if I wanted the plant that was on my window seat. My part of the conversations went something like this: Plant? What plant? Oh that plant. Isn't it dead? No? Seriously. Are you sure? Like its still alive? Wow. I gotta go.
I packed a bag, got in my car and started driving from VA to Northern NJ in the middle of a snow storm. I called BF and got directions to TSMs fraternity house (I knew he was there that weekend for a going away party) and then I called loser-guy and ended it. Many, many hours later I found myself standing at the door of the fraternity, in the middle of a storm with no idea what to do next. I was literally about to walk away when someone opened the door to come out for a cigarette and found me there. He asked if he could help me, I said that I was there for TSMs going away party and with that I was invited in with a loud yell of "TSM, some girl is here for you!"
I don't know who was more stunned when he finally came down the stairs. He put his arms around me, kissed me and I knew at that moment I was pretty much done. He told me he understood how I felt and that he couldn't offer me anything since he was about to leave for a then undetermined period of time but that he wanted to spend as much of the time as he had left in the US with me. It took me less than a week to come out and tell him that I love him; he one upped me by telling me he had loved me since the day I came up with the Plant Plan.
Three and a half years of dating, three dead fish, five apartments in VA, three in NJ, two dogs, two deployments, almost two years of marriage, a miscarriage, a college graduation and baby boy due in November later the slutty emotionally damaged girl and the Marine that pukes off the side of a boat are still together. We're apart again for another deployment (this is number three if you are counting) but with all the things there are to be afraid of, we're nowhere near as afraid of it as we should be because we are together and we figure we'll get through it somehow.
And that plant? It's still growing
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
September 20, 2008
One of my internet friends (hey Newtie!) posted the story of how she and her husband met earlier this week and I loved it. So today I am going to post the story of how J and I met so it will be preserved for all of history, and maybe someday when he is about 45 I will let Michael read this.
It was mid-September 2002. I was still recovering from breaking up with the guy I had been dating since I was not-quite 15, though dating is a lose term for the college years...we were bascially sleeping together while he dated other people. Sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't but the self-esteem issues that go along with that debacle are worthy of their own post. Anyway. I was dealing with said breakup in a way that only seems constructive when you are 20/21 years old and recently had returned from a semester abroad. I drank (alot) and had sex (even more). It wasn't pretty.
So I had just returned from six months of this chaos, was interning on a political campaign and finishing up my last semester of school when one of my best friends (we shall now call her BF because I am too lazy to type) asked me to go to a party with her. And not just any party, a party on her friend's friend's dad's sailboat. God love you if you could follow that. I had tons of stuff to do for school, I was still competitivly dancing at the time and had a million reasons not to go but at the last minute I decided that I deserved a break and that I was going to go with BF. So we packed up our bags, hopped in the car and away we went.
Now as we are driving I start to ask more details and I learn that the girl to guy ratio is significantly in my favor. I then bust out a quote that has gone down in history among all my college friends.
If I don't get laid tonight, I'm gonna be pissed.
Thats right. Classiest 21 year old ever. I was that girl that kept all the Mom's awake at night when they thought of their dear, sweet innocent little boys at college.
So we arrive. We meet up some other people who are going to be on this boat - two guys, neither one particularly interesting to me. We get on a smaller boat to take us out to the big boat and now I am finally getting a full look of all of my options. And there he is, a tall skinny Marine (who shall now be known as TSM) cooking burgers and drinking beer but obviously engrossed in a conversation with a girl. Damnit. No wait, they are talking about their Mom. Score, it's his sister. I turn to BF and say "Mine." She rolls her and eyes and laughs, apparently having known this was going to be the guy before we even got to the party.
So the night goes on. I quickly learn that TSM is painfully shy and awkward around girls which of course makes me drool like a lion looking at a gazelle with a broken leg. We sail, we chat, we get to the place we need to be for the night and drop anchor. We all start drinking including TSM, who after several beers decides that he is going to make a martini.
Now this martini deserves its own paragraph and here's why. TSM has never had a martini, never made a martini, or really been even remotely involved with a martini. We are on a boat so there are no martini glasses so he gets out a 16oz plastic tumbler and proceeds to make a 50/50 mixture of gin and vermoth. Now I am no expert but even I can tell this is a bad idea. He continues to add gin, vermouth and olive juice trying to make it taste better until the tumbler is full. TSM feels he has now reached the point of no return because to not drink it in front of me would be the ultimate shame to his masculinity so he ends up drinking all 16oz of this concoction. You'll learn why this is important later.
So the evening progresses. TSM and I are talking, I suggest we leave everyone below and go up on deck so we can talk where it is quieter. We are followed by one of his friends (let's refer to him as BM, short for best man because he was the best man at our wedding, for very good reason). He quickly realizes his mistake, doesn't want to be obvious to us or everyone down below so he suggests that TSM take me to the front of the boat since I hadn't been up there yet - mind you there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to see. We jump at the chance, TSM tries to be deep and talk about how much he loves the ocean while I calculate how much longer I have before this guy passes out and decide to make my move. So I kiss him.
After kissing for a few minutes TSM decides that it is time for everyone to go to bed and that he and I should sleep next to each other. Of course, we are sleeping next to each other in the same berth as three other people, including BM who is perched on this ledge directly next to us. Lights go out, things progress (there is an absolutely hysterical story about a velcro fly that I'll spare you the details of) and of course I being who I was at that point in my life end up having sex with TSM. Poor BMs little ledge of a bed collapses during our escapades so he ends up sleeping on the deck of the boat because he just wants to give us some privacy and my BF and her friend who originally invited us on the boat were desperately trying to sleep. Trashtastic.
We fall asleep but I wake up a few hours later and realize that TSM is gone. Sweet I initially think, I don't have to deal with awkward goodbyes but then I see him, sitting on the deck alone and immediately I realize that something about this guy is different because I actually want to go sit with him. After a few minutes I go up to check on him. As I sit down, he pulls me close so we can share the blanket he was wrapped in and I am struck by how nice it is to be close to him. He then busts out one of the most classic relationship conversations ever:
TSM: I really like you.
Me: Yeah...I like you. **Thinking, crap now what**
TSM: I'm gonna throw up now. **Proceeds to vomit off the side of the boat**
So back to bed we go and I wake up again shortly before sunrise. I sneak out of the bed and climb back up on deck to watch the sun come up alone. TSM realizes that I've gone and comes to find me and we sit and watch it together. No talking, just watching. I tell him to go lay down because I know he isn't feeling well and he tells me that he feels better just being with me. Part of me considers jumping in the water and swimming to land but I stay there and enjoy the moment.
Everyone else starts to wake up, and TSM makes stupid, sappy comment after stupid, sappy comment that we still make fun of him of him for today. We finally get back and as I am leaving (assuming that its been just another one night stand) he gets off the boat with me, asks me for my number and to the USMC birthday ball. I tell him no to both, that I had a great time and that if he really wants to talk to get my email from the guy who invited me on the boat. A final kiss and I was gone, thinking I'd never hear from this guy again.
How we got from here to marriage and a baby on the way is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day...
It was mid-September 2002. I was still recovering from breaking up with the guy I had been dating since I was not-quite 15, though dating is a lose term for the college years...we were bascially sleeping together while he dated other people. Sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't but the self-esteem issues that go along with that debacle are worthy of their own post. Anyway. I was dealing with said breakup in a way that only seems constructive when you are 20/21 years old and recently had returned from a semester abroad. I drank (alot) and had sex (even more). It wasn't pretty.
So I had just returned from six months of this chaos, was interning on a political campaign and finishing up my last semester of school when one of my best friends (we shall now call her BF because I am too lazy to type) asked me to go to a party with her. And not just any party, a party on her friend's friend's dad's sailboat. God love you if you could follow that. I had tons of stuff to do for school, I was still competitivly dancing at the time and had a million reasons not to go but at the last minute I decided that I deserved a break and that I was going to go with BF. So we packed up our bags, hopped in the car and away we went.
Now as we are driving I start to ask more details and I learn that the girl to guy ratio is significantly in my favor. I then bust out a quote that has gone down in history among all my college friends.
If I don't get laid tonight, I'm gonna be pissed.
Thats right. Classiest 21 year old ever. I was that girl that kept all the Mom's awake at night when they thought of their dear, sweet innocent little boys at college.
So we arrive. We meet up some other people who are going to be on this boat - two guys, neither one particularly interesting to me. We get on a smaller boat to take us out to the big boat and now I am finally getting a full look of all of my options. And there he is, a tall skinny Marine (who shall now be known as TSM) cooking burgers and drinking beer but obviously engrossed in a conversation with a girl. Damnit. No wait, they are talking about their Mom. Score, it's his sister. I turn to BF and say "Mine." She rolls her and eyes and laughs, apparently having known this was going to be the guy before we even got to the party.
So the night goes on. I quickly learn that TSM is painfully shy and awkward around girls which of course makes me drool like a lion looking at a gazelle with a broken leg. We sail, we chat, we get to the place we need to be for the night and drop anchor. We all start drinking including TSM, who after several beers decides that he is going to make a martini.
Now this martini deserves its own paragraph and here's why. TSM has never had a martini, never made a martini, or really been even remotely involved with a martini. We are on a boat so there are no martini glasses so he gets out a 16oz plastic tumbler and proceeds to make a 50/50 mixture of gin and vermoth. Now I am no expert but even I can tell this is a bad idea. He continues to add gin, vermouth and olive juice trying to make it taste better until the tumbler is full. TSM feels he has now reached the point of no return because to not drink it in front of me would be the ultimate shame to his masculinity so he ends up drinking all 16oz of this concoction. You'll learn why this is important later.
So the evening progresses. TSM and I are talking, I suggest we leave everyone below and go up on deck so we can talk where it is quieter. We are followed by one of his friends (let's refer to him as BM, short for best man because he was the best man at our wedding, for very good reason). He quickly realizes his mistake, doesn't want to be obvious to us or everyone down below so he suggests that TSM take me to the front of the boat since I hadn't been up there yet - mind you there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to see. We jump at the chance, TSM tries to be deep and talk about how much he loves the ocean while I calculate how much longer I have before this guy passes out and decide to make my move. So I kiss him.
After kissing for a few minutes TSM decides that it is time for everyone to go to bed and that he and I should sleep next to each other. Of course, we are sleeping next to each other in the same berth as three other people, including BM who is perched on this ledge directly next to us. Lights go out, things progress (there is an absolutely hysterical story about a velcro fly that I'll spare you the details of) and of course I being who I was at that point in my life end up having sex with TSM. Poor BMs little ledge of a bed collapses during our escapades so he ends up sleeping on the deck of the boat because he just wants to give us some privacy and my BF and her friend who originally invited us on the boat were desperately trying to sleep. Trashtastic.
We fall asleep but I wake up a few hours later and realize that TSM is gone. Sweet I initially think, I don't have to deal with awkward goodbyes but then I see him, sitting on the deck alone and immediately I realize that something about this guy is different because I actually want to go sit with him. After a few minutes I go up to check on him. As I sit down, he pulls me close so we can share the blanket he was wrapped in and I am struck by how nice it is to be close to him. He then busts out one of the most classic relationship conversations ever:
TSM: I really like you.
Me: Yeah...I like you. **Thinking, crap now what**
TSM: I'm gonna throw up now. **Proceeds to vomit off the side of the boat**
So back to bed we go and I wake up again shortly before sunrise. I sneak out of the bed and climb back up on deck to watch the sun come up alone. TSM realizes that I've gone and comes to find me and we sit and watch it together. No talking, just watching. I tell him to go lay down because I know he isn't feeling well and he tells me that he feels better just being with me. Part of me considers jumping in the water and swimming to land but I stay there and enjoy the moment.
Everyone else starts to wake up, and TSM makes stupid, sappy comment after stupid, sappy comment that we still make fun of him of him for today. We finally get back and as I am leaving (assuming that its been just another one night stand) he gets off the boat with me, asks me for my number and to the USMC birthday ball. I tell him no to both, that I had a great time and that if he really wants to talk to get my email from the guy who invited me on the boat. A final kiss and I was gone, thinking I'd never hear from this guy again.
How we got from here to marriage and a baby on the way is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day...
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
September 9, 2008
So yeah...I've been neglecting my blog again. Though its not like I've been out partying and what not; since my last post I have finished packing up one apartment, moved and (mostly) unpacked the new apartment. I even started hanging pictures tonight, which is when I realized that even though my husband's insistance on DIY projects can drive me batshit crazy he is rather handy to have around when it comes to hanging pictures. Oh well, there is only one picture that is both off center and crooked so I feel like I did a pretty good job for someone who is 30 weeks pregnant.
Speaking of my husband, he is currently in Kuwait waiting for transport to his final destination. I hate that he is gone but am relieved that he is at the same time. It's finally begun and now that its begun we can start planning for life after deployment #3. Let the countdown to his homecoming begin.
Another countdown rapidly come to an end is the countdown to my due date. I am a little over 30 weeks right now which I feel makes me officially very pregnant. Here is a picture of my 30 week belly - any thoughts to where the rest of this kid is going to go because I can imagine my stomach getting any larger than it already is!
I wish I wasn't still so scared about losing this baby and that I could just enjoy these final days but I guess having a loss, even an early one, will do that to you. I worry about cord accidents, pre-term labor and lately something happening to him after he is born. At least I am getting to the point where I can occasionally picture bringing him home.
And home is just about ready for him. Other than hanging a few more pictures and getting some boxes into the storage unit, I am settled. In the picture below you'll see two dressers - those are going to become a changing table - and an empty corner that will soon be occupied by a crib. A crib that this child of mine is going to sleep in. At least in theory since it seems that he likes to sleep all day and party all night. But he is going to be in there sleeping at least occasionally and that is amazing.
I'll be sure to post more pictures of the new place as soon as I finish decorating. It's certainly nothing spectacular but its home and so far I am liking it here. Now that I am getting settled I promise to do a better job of posting more regularly. Or at the very least I will try - who knows whats next in this crazy life I am living.
Speaking of my husband, he is currently in Kuwait waiting for transport to his final destination. I hate that he is gone but am relieved that he is at the same time. It's finally begun and now that its begun we can start planning for life after deployment #3. Let the countdown to his homecoming begin.
Another countdown rapidly come to an end is the countdown to my due date. I am a little over 30 weeks right now which I feel makes me officially very pregnant. Here is a picture of my 30 week belly - any thoughts to where the rest of this kid is going to go because I can imagine my stomach getting any larger than it already is!
I wish I wasn't still so scared about losing this baby and that I could just enjoy these final days but I guess having a loss, even an early one, will do that to you. I worry about cord accidents, pre-term labor and lately something happening to him after he is born. At least I am getting to the point where I can occasionally picture bringing him home.
And home is just about ready for him. Other than hanging a few more pictures and getting some boxes into the storage unit, I am settled. In the picture below you'll see two dressers - those are going to become a changing table - and an empty corner that will soon be occupied by a crib. A crib that this child of mine is going to sleep in. At least in theory since it seems that he likes to sleep all day and party all night. But he is going to be in there sleeping at least occasionally and that is amazing.
I'll be sure to post more pictures of the new place as soon as I finish decorating. It's certainly nothing spectacular but its home and so far I am liking it here. Now that I am getting settled I promise to do a better job of posting more regularly. Or at the very least I will try - who knows whats next in this crazy life I am living.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
August 20, 2008
I remember at the beginning of the year I thought that I would post everyday. Clearly that hasn't happened. I don't think I had any idea of where this year was going to take me as I sat on the floor of my husband's bathroom in NJ trying not to vomit from the combination of too much wine and too much champagne on New Year's Eve.
Things are moving along on all fronts. The deployment is getting closer to actually starting for real (as in the whole leaving the country part of it), Mack is doing great and my new lease starts in 5 days and the movers come in 10 days. I've been ridiculously overwhelmed lately - I don't know if its because I'll be out of the condo I've been living in for 2 years in less than 2 weeks or because I am only 80-some odd days from having a baby. I still remember thinking it was such a big deal to be 199 days from my EDD!
And while I am excited to move, I have a strange sense of sadness leaving my current place. This was where I lived while I finished planning my wedding, we were newlyweds sitting at the table writing thank you notes and eating left over wedding cake. I was also here during times when I really questioned our decision to get married when we did and where I came home to with an empty heart after my miscarriage. I'm not the same person that moved in here two years ago, and that is a good thing.
But as I've said before I love new beginnings. I've got big plans for my new place including the dresser I am buying this weekend and the new slipcover I bought for the couch. This will be the place where I bring my son home to and where we will finally be a family a few months after that. A place for fresh starts...and lots of boxes for the next couple of weeks.
Things are moving along on all fronts. The deployment is getting closer to actually starting for real (as in the whole leaving the country part of it), Mack is doing great and my new lease starts in 5 days and the movers come in 10 days. I've been ridiculously overwhelmed lately - I don't know if its because I'll be out of the condo I've been living in for 2 years in less than 2 weeks or because I am only 80-some odd days from having a baby. I still remember thinking it was such a big deal to be 199 days from my EDD!
And while I am excited to move, I have a strange sense of sadness leaving my current place. This was where I lived while I finished planning my wedding, we were newlyweds sitting at the table writing thank you notes and eating left over wedding cake. I was also here during times when I really questioned our decision to get married when we did and where I came home to with an empty heart after my miscarriage. I'm not the same person that moved in here two years ago, and that is a good thing.
But as I've said before I love new beginnings. I've got big plans for my new place including the dresser I am buying this weekend and the new slipcover I bought for the couch. This will be the place where I bring my son home to and where we will finally be a family a few months after that. A place for fresh starts...and lots of boxes for the next couple of weeks.
Monday, August 11, 2008
August 10, 2008
26 weeks today - wow, this time next week I'll be starting my third trimester. Crazy how quickly and how slowly time has gone.
Some pictures for your viewing pleasure - the one on the left is me all dressed up for a wedding I went to on Saturday and the one on the right is me all dressed up and showing the belly.
Please excuse all the boxes and mess. I'm moving soon and so packing has begun. Just an FYI for those who are planning/considering a move while pregnant, it is entirely doable but it also totally sucks. Just sayin.
Some pictures for your viewing pleasure - the one on the left is me all dressed up for a wedding I went to on Saturday and the one on the right is me all dressed up and showing the belly.
Please excuse all the boxes and mess. I'm moving soon and so packing has begun. Just an FYI for those who are planning/considering a move while pregnant, it is entirely doable but it also totally sucks. Just sayin.
Friday, August 8, 2008
August 9, 2008
The final countdown begins - I'm less than 100 days from my due date. And its a strange mix of fear and excitement that I am feeling as I realize that this baby is coming.
I keep thinking of something they said over and over last night during one of those human interest athlete montages "Not the triumph, but the struggle." It's probably more than a little cheesy but I find myself relating to it in a way that I never would have before.
So much of the love I have for my husband and for my son come from the struggles we have gone through. Whether its been surviving multiple deployments and 5 years of a long distance relationship (including the first 18months of our relationship) or my miscarriage and the fear of pregnancy after a loss, those struggles are what have gotten me to where I am. It may not be the Normal Rockwell painting I imagined, but I realize that I wouldn't trade in my current situation for that "perfect" scenario. Because I wouldn't have my boys with out the struggles and being with them is the greatest triumph of all.
I keep thinking of something they said over and over last night during one of those human interest athlete montages "Not the triumph, but the struggle." It's probably more than a little cheesy but I find myself relating to it in a way that I never would have before.
So much of the love I have for my husband and for my son come from the struggles we have gone through. Whether its been surviving multiple deployments and 5 years of a long distance relationship (including the first 18months of our relationship) or my miscarriage and the fear of pregnancy after a loss, those struggles are what have gotten me to where I am. It may not be the Normal Rockwell painting I imagined, but I realize that I wouldn't trade in my current situation for that "perfect" scenario. Because I wouldn't have my boys with out the struggles and being with them is the greatest triumph of all.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
July 31, 2008
I'm in a hormonally induced funk lately; the strangest things seem to get me down and I don't quite know how to get back up just yet.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.
Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.
I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.
Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.
I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
July 17, 2008
Do I deserve this?
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
July 15, 2008
Today I've seen a lot of traffic on message boards about the issue of formula vs. breast feeding and I am honestly a bit shocked to see how much of an issue this is for people. All of this got me thinking about why I am choosing to formula feed and I decided to put those reasons out here in the open. In part for myself because its my blog and I'll post whatever I want :-) and in part so that others who are trying to make the decision can see the reasons why I chose to formula feed.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I want other people to be able to share the responsibility of feeding my child. I am going to be on my own with this baby and so I am going to take any and all help that I can get from family and friends and if I have the opportunity to take a shower, do laundry or otherwise care for myself, the baby or our home while someone else feeds him I am going to take it.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I strongly feel that the bonding experience between a mother and child comes from the act of being cuddled and cared for, not from the child nursing from the breast. I want my son to bond and feel loved and cared for by his entire family, not just me and I want my family and my husbands family to have the opportunity to bond with him as well.
- I am choosing to formula feed because my work situation is not conducive to pumping. I have my own office but there is a floor to ceiling window next to my door. Taping pieces of paper over the window every time I pump is not going to cut it for me, especially since the culture here is more of a knock as you are opening a door rather than waiting to be told to come in.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I am going to be going back to work part time at 3 weeks and full time at six weeks. Am I happy about this? Of course not, but when my husband is deployed we hope for the best and plan for the worst and I want to have leave set aside that if God forbid something were to happen to him, I would be able to go to be with him. I also have to be realistic in that if our son gets sick, I am the only one who can take off from work to be with him. Yes, I could breast feed him for three weeks, but after reading how delicate newborns digestive tracks are why would I willingly make him switch between breast milk and formula at 3 weeks old?
- I believe that making the decision to breast feed is truly making a decision to live a particular lifestyle. I don't mean this in a negative way, but when breast feeding you do need to commit 100% to doing it. Because of all of the reasons listed above, I know that I would not be able to give that 100% commitment to breast feeding and that the result would be additional stress on me and my son. Which let's be honest, I don't really need at this point in my life and would only make me less able to be a good parent.
Monday, July 14, 2008
July 14, 2008
As promised, today I am including pictures!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
Friday, July 11, 2008
July 11, 2008
So I've been a naughty little blogger and haven't been updating as much as I should but I am going to try to be better!
So what's happened since my last update? Well I am now officially 27 years old. So far 27 is treating me well enough minus the heartburn, backaches...wait, I guess none of that really comes from being 27 does it? I had a very low key birthday at home with the doglings - I cleaned, ran some errands, went to the pool and got some beautiful roses from the hubs. He's definitely not perfect, but some days he comes pretty darn close. All of my other birthday gift either were or were used for maternity clothes.
Speaking of maternity clothes, I don't think you're ready for this belly! I really never thought that I would have a belly that comes out past my boobs at 21-22 weeks but here I am. Bellylicious. I am going to start to post pictures on here to make things a little more interesting and so I can have some sort of journal of this pregnancy. I've been so scared at different points but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can embrace this more so than I have been.
Speaking of heartburn, backaches and pregnancy in general all seems to be going well on that front. I've had a few issues here and there with a short cervix and the fact that I am carrying a monster but things have been relatively drama free. I found out two weeks ago that I am having a little boy! Just like I've known since I saw the second line on that test so it wasn't a huge surprise to have the u/s tech tell me that :-) So Michael August will be joining us sometime this October/November and is spending his time until then kicking, squirming and just generally being a boy in my tummy.
The hubs is of course delighted to be having a boy, though I am sure much of that delight come from the sheer relief of the baby being a he instead of she! He's been in Cali since May and I can't tell you that it hasn't been rough on me. Pregnancy has been scary and I have become more needy that I've ever been in the past, just as my husband needs to shift his focus on prioritize the mission and his Marines. In my current state, I fully recognize that and support him in that since I'd rather him be focused on what he needs to be doing rather than my latest bought of heartburn or Mack's latest belly-ventures (I've decided they can't really be adventures until he's born so he has belly ventures for now). However, there are times when I just want to be the center of his attention and not have to constantly compete with the 30 some-odd Marines of 3rd Platoon. The thing is, he gets it. And I love my husband for that. So I will be spending a week at the end of the month in Palm Springs with my husband just relaxing. It was his decision to stay out there and have me come see him so it could be just the two of us, without having to deal with his family and friends competing for his attention as well.
Much more than just this has gone on, but these are the highlights that make me smile and since its Friday I am going to stop here. In part because its Friday and in part because I need to leave to drive up to Philly soon and the traffic on the beltway is not going to make me smile. I promise to update more soon and to be a good blogger from here on in!
So what's happened since my last update? Well I am now officially 27 years old. So far 27 is treating me well enough minus the heartburn, backaches...wait, I guess none of that really comes from being 27 does it? I had a very low key birthday at home with the doglings - I cleaned, ran some errands, went to the pool and got some beautiful roses from the hubs. He's definitely not perfect, but some days he comes pretty darn close. All of my other birthday gift either were or were used for maternity clothes.
Speaking of maternity clothes, I don't think you're ready for this belly! I really never thought that I would have a belly that comes out past my boobs at 21-22 weeks but here I am. Bellylicious. I am going to start to post pictures on here to make things a little more interesting and so I can have some sort of journal of this pregnancy. I've been so scared at different points but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can embrace this more so than I have been.
Speaking of heartburn, backaches and pregnancy in general all seems to be going well on that front. I've had a few issues here and there with a short cervix and the fact that I am carrying a monster but things have been relatively drama free. I found out two weeks ago that I am having a little boy! Just like I've known since I saw the second line on that test so it wasn't a huge surprise to have the u/s tech tell me that :-) So Michael August will be joining us sometime this October/November and is spending his time until then kicking, squirming and just generally being a boy in my tummy.
The hubs is of course delighted to be having a boy, though I am sure much of that delight come from the sheer relief of the baby being a he instead of she! He's been in Cali since May and I can't tell you that it hasn't been rough on me. Pregnancy has been scary and I have become more needy that I've ever been in the past, just as my husband needs to shift his focus on prioritize the mission and his Marines. In my current state, I fully recognize that and support him in that since I'd rather him be focused on what he needs to be doing rather than my latest bought of heartburn or Mack's latest belly-ventures (I've decided they can't really be adventures until he's born so he has belly ventures for now). However, there are times when I just want to be the center of his attention and not have to constantly compete with the 30 some-odd Marines of 3rd Platoon. The thing is, he gets it. And I love my husband for that. So I will be spending a week at the end of the month in Palm Springs with my husband just relaxing. It was his decision to stay out there and have me come see him so it could be just the two of us, without having to deal with his family and friends competing for his attention as well.
Much more than just this has gone on, but these are the highlights that make me smile and since its Friday I am going to stop here. In part because its Friday and in part because I need to leave to drive up to Philly soon and the traffic on the beltway is not going to make me smile. I promise to update more soon and to be a good blogger from here on in!
July 8, 2008
Today was the one year anniversary of my m/c. It sort of snuck up on me - I knew it was coming and then all of a sudden it was there. In my face. Staring me down and bringing back memories of things that I wished I could forget. I've always been glad that I was pregnant, in spite of how it ended, because I learned more about love and happiness in those few days than I had in my entire life leading up to it. But I've always pushed away the memories of that Monday - the urgent care, the bleeding, the cramping. There was just so much blood, maybe it's been blown out of proportion in my head, but it was everywhere and it just kept coming.
There is that saying about every cloud having a silver lining and I've found that to be true on the two big dates associated with my m/c - my EDD and my anniversary. On my EDD, a friend finalized the adoption of her son and was finally able to bring him home from Guatemala. I hope someday that she writes a book about her life, about how she fought to bring her children home with a strength and resolve I don't know that I would have when faced with the obstacles she took down. Today, another friend who has also suffered a miscarriage went to have her first u/s and there was a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a long and scary road, where so much can go wrong, but when you've had an early loss seeing that heartbeat gives you hope that you thought was lost.
Rationally, I realize that my little probably had nothing to do with these things. But in my heart I know that she was up there doing her thing. Reminding me in the smallest and biggest of ways that life goes on and that love can't be erased by time.
There is that saying about every cloud having a silver lining and I've found that to be true on the two big dates associated with my m/c - my EDD and my anniversary. On my EDD, a friend finalized the adoption of her son and was finally able to bring him home from Guatemala. I hope someday that she writes a book about her life, about how she fought to bring her children home with a strength and resolve I don't know that I would have when faced with the obstacles she took down. Today, another friend who has also suffered a miscarriage went to have her first u/s and there was a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a long and scary road, where so much can go wrong, but when you've had an early loss seeing that heartbeat gives you hope that you thought was lost.
Rationally, I realize that my little probably had nothing to do with these things. But in my heart I know that she was up there doing her thing. Reminding me in the smallest and biggest of ways that life goes on and that love can't be erased by time.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
June 14, 2008
Today is my last day as a 26 year old. When I think of the past year, I can't imagine how much my life has changed since my first day being 26. Last year I was out at a bar, feeling drunk and getting drunker. Tonight I am sitting on my couch, feeling taps and wondering if I should eat cookies or not.
26 was rough - there were days when I really didn't think my marriage was going to make it, I hated my job and I just wanted things to change. And they did. My miscarriage was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it didn't end with the bleeding. There were months of grieving, questioning and fear and I never knew if I was ever going to find my way out.
Yet I did. Now, I am facing a whole new set of fears and questions. But I know that I have the strength to survive and on days when I begin to question that, these little kicks remind me that I don't really have an option.
26 was rough - there were days when I really didn't think my marriage was going to make it, I hated my job and I just wanted things to change. And they did. My miscarriage was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it didn't end with the bleeding. There were months of grieving, questioning and fear and I never knew if I was ever going to find my way out.
Yet I did. Now, I am facing a whole new set of fears and questions. But I know that I have the strength to survive and on days when I begin to question that, these little kicks remind me that I don't really have an option.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
June 3, 2008
I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you, poor blog. I started the year with high hopes of posting daily but then you know, life happens and yeah. I didn't.
Today has been a week since Jon left. One week. We've gone longer than that without seeing each other before for any number of reasons but then we always knew when the next time would be. This time (and like the times he's been deployed before) there is no clear cut deadline or date to count down to. Instead there is just guesses and estimates. And lots of time to pass.
He moved all of his stuff down before he left this time. Leaving my apartment disorganized and cluttered which of course sent me into a cleaning binge. After all, my husband may be gone and I don't know when I will see him again and I am going to have our baby while he is away but at the very least my apartment will be clean. I ended up regretting it though - his smell is gone. His pillow smells clean, and there aren't any t-shirts that smell like him. And I miss that.
People have been wonderful, and supportive. So many people ask what they can do to help me and there is. Tonight, give your husband/wife/significant other a hug. And smell them. Because believe me, you'll miss that when you wash it out of your sheets.
Today has been a week since Jon left. One week. We've gone longer than that without seeing each other before for any number of reasons but then we always knew when the next time would be. This time (and like the times he's been deployed before) there is no clear cut deadline or date to count down to. Instead there is just guesses and estimates. And lots of time to pass.
He moved all of his stuff down before he left this time. Leaving my apartment disorganized and cluttered which of course sent me into a cleaning binge. After all, my husband may be gone and I don't know when I will see him again and I am going to have our baby while he is away but at the very least my apartment will be clean. I ended up regretting it though - his smell is gone. His pillow smells clean, and there aren't any t-shirts that smell like him. And I miss that.
People have been wonderful, and supportive. So many people ask what they can do to help me and there is. Tonight, give your husband/wife/significant other a hug. And smell them. Because believe me, you'll miss that when you wash it out of your sheets.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
May 11, 2008
It's Mother's Day, and today I am finally at a point where I can tentatively say that I am on the verge of becoming a mother again. I keep beating around the bush with everyone, because it is hard for me to say...but here it goes...I am pregnant. Thirteen weekends along in fact and due on November 16, 2008.
I've known for awhile but the thought of putting it out there, and then having to take it back again nearly killed me. So I've been hiding but it's hard to hide when so many people know; it's not just hiding the pregnancy, it's hiding from building up hope and allowing yourself to be happy about this. Pregnancy after a loss is debilitating at times as you get stuck in your own fear. Analyzing what is going on in your body - one can only function so well while running to check for spotting, squeezing one's boobs, googling symptoms and debating if you are feeling nauseous or not.
But here I am, at the magical 13 week mark - still terrified but glimmers of hope peak in more and more now. I am pregnant, and I have finally started to believe that this baby is going to be born this fall. And then I will cross that line and become a Mom.
I've known for awhile but the thought of putting it out there, and then having to take it back again nearly killed me. So I've been hiding but it's hard to hide when so many people know; it's not just hiding the pregnancy, it's hiding from building up hope and allowing yourself to be happy about this. Pregnancy after a loss is debilitating at times as you get stuck in your own fear. Analyzing what is going on in your body - one can only function so well while running to check for spotting, squeezing one's boobs, googling symptoms and debating if you are feeling nauseous or not.
But here I am, at the magical 13 week mark - still terrified but glimmers of hope peak in more and more now. I am pregnant, and I have finally started to believe that this baby is going to be born this fall. And then I will cross that line and become a Mom.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
April 29, 2008
I've been away for a long time. There are so many things that are going on in my life right now, so much that I fear and so much that I am hoping for all at the same time. Often they are the same things. I have things I want to say, but not the courage. Yet.
Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom ~ Marilyn Ferguson
Thursday, March 20, 2008
March 17, 2008
I've been waiting for this date with a sense of dread and anticipation. St Patrick's Day was my EDD for the pregnancy I lost. As any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss knows, this is a tough day and I had been dreading it. But I was also looking forward to it because I just wanted to get through it and know that I had reached the point in my grieving process where I could get through this date.
My family has always approached death in a sort of unique way in that death should be as much of a celebration of the person's life as it is about grieving for their loss. So I started my day sitting in my tub with the shower running and having a good cry about what could have been. Then I took a deep breath and went out to celebrate St Patrick's Day.
Now celebrating St Patrick's Day may not seem like a big deal to some, but to someone who has grown up as an Irish Dancer celebrating St Patrick's Day quickly loses its luster. Several weekends in a row of back to back performances, multiple parades and spending hours a day in the car is not fun for anyone so by the time I was in high school being pulled out of school for the day was no longer cool. Even as an adult, taking the time off of work was a necessary evil but I often found myself standing in front of a crowd wishing I was checking email or filing, anything but "celebrating".
But this year was different - this year should have been my baby's birthday and I would have been celebrating that new life. Since I couldn't do that I chose to celebrate St Patrick's Day for all it was worth. And my baby gave me an amazing gift because I started to notice all the wonderful things about this crazy holiday that I had long forgotten - the excitement of a 5 or 6 year old when a crowd cheers after their first performance, the joy (and often tears) of the parents and grandparents watching their little ones dance, the wonder on the face of the little ones when they hear huge crowds cheering for them at a parade as they shyly wave to TV cameras. I hugged girls I have known for years as they made their final rounds through the St Patrick's Day circuit before leaving for college. And I enjoyed the time spent with good friends as we huddled in back corner booths of local pubs, exhausted and heads spinning wondering how on Earth we made it through another year. That night, I went home and cuddled with my husband knowing that in finding the simple joys of a day I had long dreaded I had honored the memory of my child.
Thank you, little. For someone so small and who was with me for such a short period of time you managed to teach me so much. Mommy loves you, now and always.
My family has always approached death in a sort of unique way in that death should be as much of a celebration of the person's life as it is about grieving for their loss. So I started my day sitting in my tub with the shower running and having a good cry about what could have been. Then I took a deep breath and went out to celebrate St Patrick's Day.
Now celebrating St Patrick's Day may not seem like a big deal to some, but to someone who has grown up as an Irish Dancer celebrating St Patrick's Day quickly loses its luster. Several weekends in a row of back to back performances, multiple parades and spending hours a day in the car is not fun for anyone so by the time I was in high school being pulled out of school for the day was no longer cool. Even as an adult, taking the time off of work was a necessary evil but I often found myself standing in front of a crowd wishing I was checking email or filing, anything but "celebrating".
But this year was different - this year should have been my baby's birthday and I would have been celebrating that new life. Since I couldn't do that I chose to celebrate St Patrick's Day for all it was worth. And my baby gave me an amazing gift because I started to notice all the wonderful things about this crazy holiday that I had long forgotten - the excitement of a 5 or 6 year old when a crowd cheers after their first performance, the joy (and often tears) of the parents and grandparents watching their little ones dance, the wonder on the face of the little ones when they hear huge crowds cheering for them at a parade as they shyly wave to TV cameras. I hugged girls I have known for years as they made their final rounds through the St Patrick's Day circuit before leaving for college. And I enjoyed the time spent with good friends as we huddled in back corner booths of local pubs, exhausted and heads spinning wondering how on Earth we made it through another year. That night, I went home and cuddled with my husband knowing that in finding the simple joys of a day I had long dreaded I had honored the memory of my child.
Thank you, little. For someone so small and who was with me for such a short period of time you managed to teach me so much. Mommy loves you, now and always.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
February 27, 2008
It's been awhile. I just needed a break - bad news when you need a break from the place you use as your safe place to talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings. My near miss post really made me feel vulnerable, and I needed to retreat.
But now I am back, and I am struggling. I feel like my "safe places" are becoming less safe. That I can't just be me without worrying that I hurt or offend others, and this is a place where I would never want to hurt anyone any more than they are already hurting. And so I max myself out supporting others but it feels like when I look to get that support in return people get hurt.
So yeah, I'm feeling pretty down tonight.
But now I am back, and I am struggling. I feel like my "safe places" are becoming less safe. That I can't just be me without worrying that I hurt or offend others, and this is a place where I would never want to hurt anyone any more than they are already hurting. And so I max myself out supporting others but it feels like when I look to get that support in return people get hurt.
So yeah, I'm feeling pretty down tonight.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
February 11, 2008
Oh dear god. I posted my 2/11 blog on a work related blog. Thank god it seems like no one saw it but oh my god. Oh my god.
Note to self, be very careful where blogs are posted...
Note to self, be very careful where blogs are posted...
Sunday, February 10, 2008
February 10, 2008
The weekend is ending. And it was pretty good overall - I got some rest, the house is clean and I feel like I am ready to start up the week. Last week I had a lot on my mind and I am pretty sure that I'll have a clearer head this week.
The VA primary is on Tuesday so I've got to put some time into figuring out where I need to go to vote. I even offered to volunteer with the campaign of my candidate of choice so we will see where that leads.
The VA primary is on Tuesday so I've got to put some time into figuring out where I need to go to vote. I even offered to volunteer with the campaign of my candidate of choice so we will see where that leads.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
February 8, 2008
Just a quote today...
"Life is not just a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."
"Life is not just a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."
Friday, February 8, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
February 7, 2008
One thing that almost every woman who has had a miscarriage dreads is her due date. Mine was March 17, 2008 - St Patrick's Day. As someone who has been an Irish Dancer for most of her life, St Patrick's Day has become an annoying cliche over the years. I go to bars or other crappy show locations, dance, deal with the annoying audience members and come out of it tired, cranky and glad that it is over for another year.
I wouldn't have had to deal with any of it this year if I was still pregnant. I'd be huge, or just delivered and the last person anyone would ask to dance in or run a show. But I'm not, so they are and I am saying yes on a limited basis. I've decided that the best way to honor my baby and my due date is to take back St Patrick's Day and make it something I enjoy again.
So I will dance, because I love it and it brings me peace. I will dance with people I enjoy spending time with, because even though several of them are pregnant they are my friends and I find that I fit there. I will enjoy and I will celebrate St Patrick's Day for my baby.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
February 6, 2008
It's 60 degrees at night in February. Bizarre.
I just walked Bailey and it started to rain. At one point, she sat down and looked at me like "You stupid human, you should have planned this better."
I love my dog, even when she's not so in love with me.
I just walked Bailey and it started to rain. At one point, she sat down and looked at me like "You stupid human, you should have planned this better."
I love my dog, even when she's not so in love with me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
February 4, 2008
Another late post...only I have nothing to say in this one.
Nothing went as planned today, I felt like crap and then I had to drive back to VA. I love my husband but I think I will love him much more when I don't have to spend 10 hours in a car to go see him.
Nothing went as planned today, I felt like crap and then I had to drive back to VA. I love my husband but I think I will love him much more when I don't have to spend 10 hours in a car to go see him.
February 3, 2008
This is a late posting of Sunday's blog...
Hubs and I went out and celebrated our anniversary tonight. I had gotten us tickets to Avenue Q in Philly and my family got us some gift cards to a restaurant called Caribou Cafe. We had a fabulous dinner - great food, great wine and of course great company. We talked about how much stronger our marriage is and how we feel like we are finally starting to get a hang of married life.
Avenue Q was hysterical. Ridiculously off color and inappropriate, but so funny and perfect for my Hubs since he was stuck in a theatre on Super Bowl Sunday! I was saved by the fact that we were able to hear the final quarter on the radio on our way home to NJ - Go Giants!
And so the celebration of our first anniversary ended. Yes, we drug it out for a month but we won't be together next year so I think we deserved it!
Hubs and I went out and celebrated our anniversary tonight. I had gotten us tickets to Avenue Q in Philly and my family got us some gift cards to a restaurant called Caribou Cafe. We had a fabulous dinner - great food, great wine and of course great company. We talked about how much stronger our marriage is and how we feel like we are finally starting to get a hang of married life.
Avenue Q was hysterical. Ridiculously off color and inappropriate, but so funny and perfect for my Hubs since he was stuck in a theatre on Super Bowl Sunday! I was saved by the fact that we were able to hear the final quarter on the radio on our way home to NJ - Go Giants!
And so the celebration of our first anniversary ended. Yes, we drug it out for a month but we won't be together next year so I think we deserved it!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
February 2, 2008
I'm starting my second month of daily blogging!
And with that I am off to bed. I'm beat.
And with that I am off to bed. I'm beat.
February 1, 2008
Sorry for another late blog. Getting on here everyday is more of a challenge then I would have thought.
Last night I went to one of my best friends mother's funeral. I had never really met her mother but hearing how much alike she and my friend are makes me think that I would have really liked to meet her. It's strange to think that I am finally getting old enough that my friends parents could die - granted she died of cancer - but when I was younger I really thought that we would all be into our 40's and 50's before we started having to do this.
I was so amazed by my friend. She was so strong, and carried herself with such poise in the midst of that has been happening over the past week, really the past few months since her Mom was diagnosed. And her husband was there, and amazing. I am so glad that she has someone like him by her side.
Several of our friends showed up and my friend kept saying "I have the best friends ever." The thing is, she is an amazing person and friend and we all wanted to be there for her. And we'll all continue to be there, too.
Last night I went to one of my best friends mother's funeral. I had never really met her mother but hearing how much alike she and my friend are makes me think that I would have really liked to meet her. It's strange to think that I am finally getting old enough that my friends parents could die - granted she died of cancer - but when I was younger I really thought that we would all be into our 40's and 50's before we started having to do this.
I was so amazed by my friend. She was so strong, and carried herself with such poise in the midst of that has been happening over the past week, really the past few months since her Mom was diagnosed. And her husband was there, and amazing. I am so glad that she has someone like him by her side.
Several of our friends showed up and my friend kept saying "I have the best friends ever." The thing is, she is an amazing person and friend and we all wanted to be there for her. And we'll all continue to be there, too.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
January 31, 2008
Tonight I watched Eli Stone, a new show on ABC. Tonights show is all about faith.
Faith is one of those things that I am slowly starting to get back since my m/c. I lost faith in myself and my ability to have a child. I lost faith in my husband and in our marriage. I even started to lost some of my faith in God. But with time, I'm finding it again, not all at once or even in big chunks. I found faith again in bits and pieces, like the chewed up pieces of squeaky toys Frank leaves around the apartment. And here I am, nearly seven months later - more in love with my husband then ever, in a marriage that is stronger than I would have imagined it being and I'm even going back to church.
Though faith in myself and my ability to have a child, that is a little harder to find. It's out there though, I just need to wait for it. I have faith.
Faith is one of those things that I am slowly starting to get back since my m/c. I lost faith in myself and my ability to have a child. I lost faith in my husband and in our marriage. I even started to lost some of my faith in God. But with time, I'm finding it again, not all at once or even in big chunks. I found faith again in bits and pieces, like the chewed up pieces of squeaky toys Frank leaves around the apartment. And here I am, nearly seven months later - more in love with my husband then ever, in a marriage that is stronger than I would have imagined it being and I'm even going back to church.
Though faith in myself and my ability to have a child, that is a little harder to find. It's out there though, I just need to wait for it. I have faith.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
January 30, 2008
Today, two not so great things happened. First, I had to take Frank to the vet. Poor little thing had blood coming out of his butt so I took him in for an emergency check up. Fortunately, it was nothing serious so a bland diet and two weeks of antibiotics should do the trick.
Second, I got news from perezhilton.com. Not Brangelina news, or news on JLo's delivery in Long Island. Real news about presidential candidates. I feel dirty.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
January 29, 2008
I hate secrets. Not the good kind, because that can be fun. But the don't tell someone this because it's going to upset them kind of secret.
My Mother in law still doesn't know her son is going back to Iraq. Well, I think she knows but he hasn't told her so I think she is trying to convince herself its not him. And when she finds out...oh Lord, when she finds out. She has a unique ability I've noticed of making anything she doesn't like directly targeted at her. He'll be going back to Iraq just to upset her I am sure.
So I'm not looking forward to her finding out, but I hate that she doesn't know. I think she has a right to know. And I just want to start dealing with the drama that's to come because when its time for him to go, all I want to deal with is him.
My Mother in law still doesn't know her son is going back to Iraq. Well, I think she knows but he hasn't told her so I think she is trying to convince herself its not him. And when she finds out...oh Lord, when she finds out. She has a unique ability I've noticed of making anything she doesn't like directly targeted at her. He'll be going back to Iraq just to upset her I am sure.
So I'm not looking forward to her finding out, but I hate that she doesn't know. I think she has a right to know. And I just want to start dealing with the drama that's to come because when its time for him to go, all I want to deal with is him.
Monday, January 28, 2008
January 28,2008
Tonight was the State of the Union address. I wonder what the founding fathers would think of the debacle that is the SOTU today - an hour of carefully choreographed cheering, standing ovations and special guests invited to tug at the heart strings of the American public. Each party trying to show that they are the ones that care more about the American public, that they are more patriotic and more worthy to lead our nation because of how well they clap on cue.
The President outlined several programs to help military families and spouses - better support for children, daycare support, government job programs for spouses, etc etc etc. Here's a hint. How about bringing the troops home to be with their families. How about being a little more thoughtful about when you decide to send them off to war and for how long. Because at the end of the day, as someone who is a military spouse I'd much rather have my husband here with me then a government job or cheap daycare.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
January 26, 2008
I hate memorizing things. I just spent a little over an hour at the library memorizing things for my TCRG exam and I think my head might explode. And in the back of my mind I am already worrying that if I can't even study for more than an hour at a time how in God's name am I ever going to be ready for this exam??
::takes a deep breath::
Alright, study time is over. Time to enjoy the rest of the day/evening with my hubs.
::takes a deep breath::
Alright, study time is over. Time to enjoy the rest of the day/evening with my hubs.
Friday, January 25, 2008
January 25, 2008
Everybody's workin for the weekend
Ah, Friday. The actions on my to do list are crossed off, my inbox is relatively empty and the office is starting to clear out. Best of all, hubby is within an hour of getting home and we are going to...enjoy...some quality time together.
Fridays are great because the whole weekend is stretched out in front of me - dinner tonight, studying and puttering around the house the rest of the weekend. Maybe get my car inspected too. Friday afternoon is full of potential, and as I've said before I love that feeling you get when the road in front of you is full of potential.
I've decided. This is going to be a great weekend.
Ah, Friday. The actions on my to do list are crossed off, my inbox is relatively empty and the office is starting to clear out. Best of all, hubby is within an hour of getting home and we are going to...enjoy...some quality time together.
Fridays are great because the whole weekend is stretched out in front of me - dinner tonight, studying and puttering around the house the rest of the weekend. Maybe get my car inspected too. Friday afternoon is full of potential, and as I've said before I love that feeling you get when the road in front of you is full of potential.
I've decided. This is going to be a great weekend.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
January 24, 2008
This is kind of fun - kind of a get to know me type thing.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope. Though when you are Catholic you have to have a saint's name and I don't (Erin Fae). The priest baptized me because my patron saint was "All the saints of Ireland"
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today
3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I guess so. People are kind of obsessed with how neat it is.
4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef.
5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Bailey (mutt) and Frank (Boston Terror)
6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so. I'm pretty low key.
7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? Probably too much.
8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Oh hells no. Falling is one of my biggest fears.
10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Captain Crunch, with crunchberries of course
11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, I've learned in recent months that I am stronger than I realized.
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dublin Mudslide
14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their legs and feet if I can see them (dancer in me) or their smile and eyes.
15.RED OR PINK? Red
16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My flabby tummy and saddlebags
17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My hubby, all the time.
18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Bluey gray
19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue yoga pants and black Adidas sandals
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? McDonald's ::hangs head in shame::
21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Without a Trace is on in the background.
22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple, that sounds good.
23.FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh herbs, the beach
24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The hubs.
25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? I LOVE them, especially when I am near the water and can see all the lightning flashes.
26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, I guess. Though if you consider dancing a sport, I love to watch my dancers compete (even though it totally stressed me out!)
27.HAIR COLOR? Mousy blond/light brown.
29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. In fact, I have 20/20 vision
30.FAVORITE FOOD? hmmm...I love sushi/hibachi, and burgers, and really good Italian and pasta, German food is great and don't even get me started on how much I love cheese, and the stews in Ireland...let's just say food is my favorite and leave it at that.
31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy
32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Oceans 13. "I believe she's what's called a cougar..."
33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray long sleeve with tie die t-shirt over it - was just dancing so cut me some slack.
34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.
35.Hugs or kisses? Kisses. I love kissing.
36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream
39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? It's called "The Book", a listing of all the traditional Irish ceili (group) dances - part of studying for my exam.
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have one with the logos of all of the participating agencies in CCSDS.
41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Children laughing, baby cooing, the ocean.
42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles.
43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Beijing and believe me, it was FAR!
44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Huntingdon Valley, PA/the Philly suburbs.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope. Though when you are Catholic you have to have a saint's name and I don't (Erin Fae). The priest baptized me because my patron saint was "All the saints of Ireland"
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today
3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I guess so. People are kind of obsessed with how neat it is.
4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef.
5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Bailey (mutt) and Frank (Boston Terror)
6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so. I'm pretty low key.
7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? Probably too much.
8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Oh hells no. Falling is one of my biggest fears.
10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Captain Crunch, with crunchberries of course
11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, I've learned in recent months that I am stronger than I realized.
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dublin Mudslide
14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their legs and feet if I can see them (dancer in me) or their smile and eyes.
15.RED OR PINK? Red
16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My flabby tummy and saddlebags
17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My hubby, all the time.
18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Bluey gray
19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue yoga pants and black Adidas sandals
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? McDonald's ::hangs head in shame::
21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Without a Trace is on in the background.
22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple, that sounds good.
23.FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh herbs, the beach
24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The hubs.
25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? I LOVE them, especially when I am near the water and can see all the lightning flashes.
26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, I guess. Though if you consider dancing a sport, I love to watch my dancers compete (even though it totally stressed me out!)
27.HAIR COLOR? Mousy blond/light brown.
29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. In fact, I have 20/20 vision
30.FAVORITE FOOD? hmmm...I love sushi/hibachi, and burgers, and really good Italian and pasta, German food is great and don't even get me started on how much I love cheese, and the stews in Ireland...let's just say food is my favorite and leave it at that.
31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy
32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Oceans 13. "I believe she's what's called a cougar..."
33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray long sleeve with tie die t-shirt over it - was just dancing so cut me some slack.
34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.
35.Hugs or kisses? Kisses. I love kissing.
36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream
39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? It's called "The Book", a listing of all the traditional Irish ceili (group) dances - part of studying for my exam.
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have one with the logos of all of the participating agencies in CCSDS.
41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Children laughing, baby cooing, the ocean.
42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles.
43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Beijing and believe me, it was FAR!
44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Huntingdon Valley, PA/the Philly suburbs.
January 23, 2008
I forgot to blog last night. Sorry. It was just such an ordinary day.
I did however recently make the decision to really commit to taking the TCRG exam. Getting my TC will certify me as an Irish dance teacher - would seem simple considering that I started to help teach classes while still in high school but this is an incredibly challenging exam. And I'm nervous as hell about it.
So I'll be spending my evening with flash cards, "The Book" and set music for the next few weeks. I'll try not to let my blogging suffer anymore :-)
I did however recently make the decision to really commit to taking the TCRG exam. Getting my TC will certify me as an Irish dance teacher - would seem simple considering that I started to help teach classes while still in high school but this is an incredibly challenging exam. And I'm nervous as hell about it.
So I'll be spending my evening with flash cards, "The Book" and set music for the next few weeks. I'll try not to let my blogging suffer anymore :-)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
January 22, 2008
Today was a Monday-Tuesday. The start of one of those 4 day weeks that
seem to drag on into eternity but fly by in the blink of an eye.
There was a surprise baby shower for three of my co-workers today all of whom are expecting their first child in the February - Apriltime frame . As I was due in March, its not a stretch to say that this would have been my work baby shower today too had I not had a m/c. IRSVP'd yes, but in the end I couldn't do it. Someone asked why I wasn't at the shower and my response was "Allergies. I'm allergic to all things baby." She laughed and said I would change my mind soon enough. If only she knew.
I just can't talk about having kids like its a definite anymore because it never will be for me again. My husband keeps assuring me that we will, but having lost one baby I'm afraid to ever hope for one again. Miscarriage sucks the hope right out of you and doctors will tell you how to get pregnant again, what to do about the bleeding and when you can have sex but they never tell you how to get that hope back.
Even though I've lost hope for myself, I still hope for the ladies of a pregnancy loss message board I belong to. I hope for their ovulation to occur in time with their sex weeks, I hope through their entire two week wait with them eagerly reading their symptom posts and looking at their charts. Sometimes, wonderfully, it all works out and they end up pregnant. Other times, they get their period. But I keep on hoping for
them, because I know that they have days when they are all out of hope as well and maybe someday they will get to hope for me too.
seem to drag on into eternity but fly by in the blink of an eye.
There was a surprise baby shower for three of my co-workers today all of whom are expecting their first child in the February - Apriltime frame . As I was due in March, its not a stretch to say that this would have been my work baby shower today too had I not had a m/c. IRSVP'd yes, but in the end I couldn't do it. Someone asked why I wasn't at the shower and my response was "Allergies. I'm allergic to all things baby." She laughed and said I would change my mind soon enough. If only she knew.
I just can't talk about having kids like its a definite anymore because it never will be for me again. My husband keeps assuring me that we will, but having lost one baby I'm afraid to ever hope for one again. Miscarriage sucks the hope right out of you and doctors will tell you how to get pregnant again, what to do about the bleeding and when you can have sex but they never tell you how to get that hope back.
Even though I've lost hope for myself, I still hope for the ladies of a pregnancy loss message board I belong to. I hope for their ovulation to occur in time with their sex weeks, I hope through their entire two week wait with them eagerly reading their symptom posts and looking at their charts. Sometimes, wonderfully, it all works out and they end up pregnant. Other times, they get their period. But I keep on hoping for
them, because I know that they have days when they are all out of hope as well and maybe someday they will get to hope for me too.
Monday, January 21, 2008
January 21, 2008
"Life isn't when. Life isn't then. Life is this."
I heard that line on TV tonight. And it made me think about my life. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the then - I was pg then, I had a m/c then - and just as much time thinking of when. When Jon is done with school, when he is on deployment, when (if) we have kids.
But that isn't what my life is. My life is this. A Monday night at home with my husband annoying the hell out of me, my two dogs sleeping on the couch and getting ready for bed at 11pm. There isn't going to be enough room in bed tonight with the four of us but I wouldn't want it any other way. Because my life is this.
I heard that line on TV tonight. And it made me think about my life. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the then - I was pg then, I had a m/c then - and just as much time thinking of when. When Jon is done with school, when he is on deployment, when (if) we have kids.
But that isn't what my life is. My life is this. A Monday night at home with my husband annoying the hell out of me, my two dogs sleeping on the couch and getting ready for bed at 11pm. There isn't going to be enough room in bed tonight with the four of us but I wouldn't want it any other way. Because my life is this.
January 20, 2008
I watched The Terminal last night and I realized how much the ending of that movie is like the other women I know who have experienced a loss.
The ending all starts with Gupta running up to the plane with his mop. And let's be honest, once we get AF which one of us wouldn't try to stop the witch from going to someone else. Then Victor leaves the airport. And all of the staff leaves to walk out with him, cheering him on, encouraging him and giving what they think he will need out there. And so he leaves, with all of them standing there watching him go and cheering him on. That is what happens when one of the girls we know leaves - we watch, we cheer but for most of us we can't leave the airport. And we are happy for them.
But sometimes, it breaks our heart.
The ending all starts with Gupta running up to the plane with his mop. And let's be honest, once we get AF which one of us wouldn't try to stop the witch from going to someone else. Then Victor leaves the airport. And all of the staff leaves to walk out with him, cheering him on, encouraging him and giving what they think he will need out there. And so he leaves, with all of them standing there watching him go and cheering him on. That is what happens when one of the girls we know leaves - we watch, we cheer but for most of us we can't leave the airport. And we are happy for them.
But sometimes, it breaks our heart.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
January 19, 2008
Today was one of those almost perfect days.
I'm not sure if it was cheezy or cute, but today Jon and I made out like a pair of teenagers. No sex, no foreplay, nothing other than kissing with a playlist of slow songs in the background. We actually spent most of the time just cuddling, but it was wonderful to just take time to connect with no strings attached.
We went out to dinner and a little girl the next table was playing with Jon. I love watching him with kids - he amazes me with how wonderful he is with children. I can't wait until we are at dinner with children of our own.
That would be a perfect day.
I'm not sure if it was cheezy or cute, but today Jon and I made out like a pair of teenagers. No sex, no foreplay, nothing other than kissing with a playlist of slow songs in the background. We actually spent most of the time just cuddling, but it was wonderful to just take time to connect with no strings attached.
We went out to dinner and a little girl the next table was playing with Jon. I love watching him with kids - he amazes me with how wonderful he is with children. I can't wait until we are at dinner with children of our own.
That would be a perfect day.
Friday, January 18, 2008
January 18, 2008
Today I am angry with my husband. I am angry that I am not his #1 priority, or even #2. I am tired of waiting for our lives to start while he finishes school and plays GI Joe (again). But he keeps asking me to wait, to be patient and I say yes. Not because I want to, or even because I believe him when he says that it will all be worth it in the end. I wait because he's my husband and I made a vow in front of God and our families and friends to be with him always, in good times and bad. It just sucks that on days like this it seems like most of our time falls on the bad side of the line.
A favorite song of mine is called "Have a Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt.
When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me
And when your backs against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Well, Ive been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me
And it reminds me, that I need to have faith in him. Even when its hard, because I know he loves me and that he wants to make me happy. And maybe he needs to get his priorities in order, and maybe he needs to appreciate me more but he's trying and that's all that I can ask for.
A favorite song of mine is called "Have a Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt.
When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me
And when your backs against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Well, Ive been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me
And it reminds me, that I need to have faith in him. Even when its hard, because I know he loves me and that he wants to make me happy. And maybe he needs to get his priorities in order, and maybe he needs to appreciate me more but he's trying and that's all that I can ask for.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
January 17, 2008
Snow days. I love them. I left work early, went to the grocery store, drank some wine and took a nap tonight. Pretty much perfect except for the missing hubby but if life was already perfect what would I have to look forward to?
Ah, another one of those blog breakthroughs. Sure, I almost had it all but if I got it all already would I know how wonderful having it all is? Probably not. So let people with perfect lives live their perfect lives. I like having a some bumps and bruises, gives me character and reminds me how much I have to look forward to.
Ah, another one of those blog breakthroughs. Sure, I almost had it all but if I got it all already would I know how wonderful having it all is? Probably not. So let people with perfect lives live their perfect lives. I like having a some bumps and bruises, gives me character and reminds me how much I have to look forward to.
January 16, 2008
The WHITE DEATH is coming.
What is the WHITE DEATH (must be written all in caps btw) you ask? Some new form of terrorism? A SARS like virus with no cure?
No. It's snow in Northern Virginia.
So go ahead terrorists - dirty bomb us, infect us with smallpox, whatever. Just please...don't make it snow.
What is the WHITE DEATH (must be written all in caps btw) you ask? Some new form of terrorism? A SARS like virus with no cure?
No. It's snow in Northern Virginia.
So go ahead terrorists - dirty bomb us, infect us with smallpox, whatever. Just please...don't make it snow.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
January 15, 2008
I haven't been writing much lately. I didn't want my blog to become a
downer, full of posts that are sad and hopeless but to not post when I
feel that way would defeat the whole purpose of this blog. So I'm here,
getting my emotions out.
I hate hoping. I hate that each month I try to talk myself out of it only to do it anyway. This month I did well, convinced myself that it was game over. And the my period was late, even if it was only by 24 hours. In those 24 hours my hopes sky rocketed and I let myself daydream and plan in my head about being pregnant and due in September. Then I got my period this morning. I guess I am handling it OK but having my hopes crushed again...well, its crushing.
I just want to bring a child into this world. Someone that my husband and I created together, a part of each of us. I look at him and I see the type of father he would be and I know that I would sacrifice anything to be the type of mother that I want to be. There are so many unwanted children in this world, why can't one of them find their way to us?
And then the guilt creeps in. I know DH says he's not ready to be a father and I need to respect that. I know that financially, each month we wait is a month closer to the type of financially stability that my parents never had. I know in my head that waiting is not a bad thing.
I just wish my head could explain that to my heart.
downer, full of posts that are sad and hopeless but to not post when I
feel that way would defeat the whole purpose of this blog. So I'm here,
getting my emotions out.
I hate hoping. I hate that each month I try to talk myself out of it only to do it anyway. This month I did well, convinced myself that it was game over. And the my period was late, even if it was only by 24 hours. In those 24 hours my hopes sky rocketed and I let myself daydream and plan in my head about being pregnant and due in September. Then I got my period this morning. I guess I am handling it OK but having my hopes crushed again...well, its crushing.
I just want to bring a child into this world. Someone that my husband and I created together, a part of each of us. I look at him and I see the type of father he would be and I know that I would sacrifice anything to be the type of mother that I want to be. There are so many unwanted children in this world, why can't one of them find their way to us?
And then the guilt creeps in. I know DH says he's not ready to be a father and I need to respect that. I know that financially, each month we wait is a month closer to the type of financially stability that my parents never had. I know in my head that waiting is not a bad thing.
I just wish my head could explain that to my heart.
Monday, January 14, 2008
January 14, 2008
Ugh, I meant to do this earlier but just didn't. I've been a grump, ok a bitch today. Moody, cranky, the whole nine yards. I got annoyed with my boss for not coming to work and then not answering his cell phone right away. Thats how bad I am today.
And mixed in with that, AF has not arrived. My right on time AF is still not here for her scheduled visit. So that is making the hormones worse, my stress levels rise, and making me hope. And hoping just sucks because so far, when it comes to babies, hope = disappointment.
I promise, once I am done PMSing I will be a much better blogger.
And mixed in with that, AF has not arrived. My right on time AF is still not here for her scheduled visit. So that is making the hormones worse, my stress levels rise, and making me hope. And hoping just sucks because so far, when it comes to babies, hope = disappointment.
I promise, once I am done PMSing I will be a much better blogger.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
January 13, 2008
OK, so this weekend I sucked at the whole blog thing. But I promise I will be back on track starting tomorrow.
I spent today continuing the great January clean of '08. I have to admit I am pretty damn proud of myself. I am going to try to do Fly Lady from now on in to keep things in order and prevent 48 hour cleaning binges from becoming necessary again.
Thinking positively, I keep telling myself to get in good habits now so I'll be able to keep them up once we have kids.
I spent today continuing the great January clean of '08. I have to admit I am pretty damn proud of myself. I am going to try to do Fly Lady from now on in to keep things in order and prevent 48 hour cleaning binges from becoming necessary again.
Thinking positively, I keep telling myself to get in good habits now so I'll be able to keep them up once we have kids.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
January 12, 2008
I love to clean. I love the feeling of accomplishment I have when I sit in a freshly cleaned and scrubbed room.
I'm cleaning my apartment - a fresh start. I'm all about fresh starts.
I'm cleaning my apartment - a fresh start. I'm all about fresh starts.
January 11, 2008
I don't think I believe that "things were meant to be" or that "God has a plan" for me. That would imply that we should just sit on our asses and wait for life to come our way. Especially since my m/c, I've come to believe that God is there to support us but that he isn't a puppet master that does and doesn't allow things to happen in life.
Last night, a friend told me that she believes that God has a plan for me and what a great Mom I will be because I will appreciate it so much more. I just can't let myself believe that God had anything to do with my m/c because the unfairness of that is just overwhelming. But I do believe that when I do get pregnant again I am going to value it more, and that when my child is born he or she is going to be loved and appreciated in a way that I couldn't have imagined doing before.
Last night, a friend told me that she believes that God has a plan for me and what a great Mom I will be because I will appreciate it so much more. I just can't let myself believe that God had anything to do with my m/c because the unfairness of that is just overwhelming. But I do believe that when I do get pregnant again I am going to value it more, and that when my child is born he or she is going to be loved and appreciated in a way that I couldn't have imagined doing before.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
January 10, 2008
I just realized that I haven't opened my mouth in hours. I live alone with my two dogs and there is no one to talk to. So I've been mute. But there is still such a tangle in mind - so much that wants to get out and only one place for it to go so it all gets jammed up at the opening. I have fears, and crazy irrational hopes and reflections on the day and so much more, just nothing to say about it all. It's there, just right under the surface.
This weekend I am going to create an outline, a plan of action for clearing all of this stuff out. Tonight, and probably tomorrow as well I am going to be fine. Because I am a fine person.
This weekend I am going to create an outline, a plan of action for clearing all of this stuff out. Tonight, and probably tomorrow as well I am going to be fine. Because I am a fine person.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
January 9, 2008
I'm stuck. I thought that starting this blog would be a great way to get all of the things in my head out and in the open. It doesn't work that way. Even though I've kept my blog private (except for a select few ladies) I can seem to find the words to say. And I read other blogs where everything seems to just come out right and I laugh and cry with the writer. But not here, I just can't seem to make it work.
Add that to the list of things that I suck at.
Add that to the list of things that I suck at.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
January 8, 2008
Today is 6 months exactly since my miscarriage. When it was happening I didn't know that I would ever get through. But I did. Not without the help of an amazing group of women, most of whom I've never met. In this increasing technological age I found the support I needed after my loss on a pregnancy loss message board. At first, I lurked, read and learned. Then eventually I started to come further and further out of my shell, posting and, strange as it seemed at the time, made friends. This are the women who get me through the bad days, laugh at my corny jokes and that I generally enjoy spending time with. If only we all lived close enough to actually spend time together in person, though if we did I think there would be a group of very lonely husbands when it's not sex week.
So since I couldn't be cooking a baby I decided to cook some chili instead.
So since I couldn't be cooking a baby I decided to cook some chili instead.
Monday, January 7, 2008
January 7, 2008
Hope springs eternal they say, and maybe that is the problem with hope.
Not that being hopeful is a bad thing and I admire people who can be hopeful all of the time but for me hope has gotten a bit old at this point. I am tired of hoping that my husband's deployment will be cancelled, or that this will be the month my birth control will fail and I'll end up with a surprise pregnancy. Yet each time I say I am done hoping I start hoping again.
So this morning I decided that I was done hoping, and yet here I am again. Hoping.
Hope springs eternal.
Not that being hopeful is a bad thing and I admire people who can be hopeful all of the time but for me hope has gotten a bit old at this point. I am tired of hoping that my husband's deployment will be cancelled, or that this will be the month my birth control will fail and I'll end up with a surprise pregnancy. Yet each time I say I am done hoping I start hoping again.
So this morning I decided that I was done hoping, and yet here I am again. Hoping.
Hope springs eternal.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
January 6, 2008
Today is our first anniversary.
One full year of wedded bliss. Or not. But hey we've made it this far and there have been more than a few occasions when I didn't think we would. Being married is ten times better and a hundred time harder than I imagined but inspite of our bumps and bruises it's been worth it.
We went to dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant and now we are home with our dogs, drinking champagne and getting ready to eat wedding cake. Jon is being jon, of course, so we are watching Simpsons/Family Guy etc.
So that's my anniversary - not a fairy-tale but what is?
One full year of wedded bliss. Or not. But hey we've made it this far and there have been more than a few occasions when I didn't think we would. Being married is ten times better and a hundred time harder than I imagined but inspite of our bumps and bruises it's been worth it.
We went to dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant and now we are home with our dogs, drinking champagne and getting ready to eat wedding cake. Jon is being jon, of course, so we are watching Simpsons/Family Guy etc.
So that's my anniversary - not a fairy-tale but what is?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
January 5, 2008
There is a new woman in our life. Her name is Mary Beth and she is our new Magellan navigation system.
I didn't think I was going to like her as much as I did. I mean she did get more attention from my husband this morning than I did and it is our anniversary tomorrow, but once she and I had a chance to spend some time together I found her to be very nice and helpful. Even when I messed up her directions she remained calm and cheery while reminding to only make legal U-turns.
I started to think that I would like to get a Mary Beth for life. Something to give me directions and ways to correct my many mistakes but I realized driving directions and life are very different things. On paper, I never should have married my husband - sure there are moments when I regret the decision :-) but I love the guy and can't imagine life without him. I've made too many mistakes in life to count, but I've learned from dealing with those mistakes, and I wonder how I would be different if I was able to just make a U-turn.
So when it comes to driving in NJ, I'm glad to have Mary Beth on my windshield. But when it comes to the road of life, I'll just make it up as I go.
I didn't think I was going to like her as much as I did. I mean she did get more attention from my husband this morning than I did and it is our anniversary tomorrow, but once she and I had a chance to spend some time together I found her to be very nice and helpful. Even when I messed up her directions she remained calm and cheery while reminding to only make legal U-turns.
I started to think that I would like to get a Mary Beth for life. Something to give me directions and ways to correct my many mistakes but I realized driving directions and life are very different things. On paper, I never should have married my husband - sure there are moments when I regret the decision :-) but I love the guy and can't imagine life without him. I've made too many mistakes in life to count, but I've learned from dealing with those mistakes, and I wonder how I would be different if I was able to just make a U-turn.
So when it comes to driving in NJ, I'm glad to have Mary Beth on my windshield. But when it comes to the road of life, I'll just make it up as I go.
Friday, January 4, 2008
January 4, 2008
TGIF.
I guess that is the appropriate thing to say in this situation but I am just not feeling it. I mean, yay its Friday and I don't have to work tomorrow. But I guess I'm not in a Friday state of mind because it's only my third day in the office.
I'm heading up to NJ this weekend - and I don't know how I feel about that. I'd much rather not be making the drive but we do need to clean up all the Christmas stuff. The important thing is that we are together because Sunday is my first anniversary!!!
That's all for today - I'm off to try to get myself out of work early.
I guess that is the appropriate thing to say in this situation but I am just not feeling it. I mean, yay its Friday and I don't have to work tomorrow. But I guess I'm not in a Friday state of mind because it's only my third day in the office.
I'm heading up to NJ this weekend - and I don't know how I feel about that. I'd much rather not be making the drive but we do need to clean up all the Christmas stuff. The important thing is that we are together because Sunday is my first anniversary!!!
That's all for today - I'm off to try to get myself out of work early.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
January 3, 2007
Three days in and I am already struggling to come up with things to post. Not a good sign. Still I am going to make myself do this just because I promised myself I would.
So today I got to hear my pregnant co-worker talk all about being pregnant with another friend a few cubes down from me. And I get to hear people congratulate her all the time. And I am happy for her, just sad for me that I didn't get the chance to talk to everyone about my pregnancy and to be congratulated. I wish I was sitting at home because I didn't want to be around the dust and fumes during the office renovation or wearing a little painters mask and rubbing my belly.
And wow do I talk about my miscarriage here a lot but I guess that's because I can't really talk about it anywhere else. As one of my friends said, "We are fine people" which basically means that when people ask how I am doing I always answer "Good" or "Great" or even for awhile "Peachy". But that doesn't mean that I am even sort of any of those things, it just means that I acknowledge that people don't really want to hear how I am doing, and then I get so used to people not caring that I don't even tell the people who do care. The worst part is that I always care, and people know that I always care so I get to listen to other people's problems a lot. I've got the role of the supportive friend down pat and I am glad that I can do it for them, its just that I need to learn how to ask for that support back.
So I went from not having anything to say to having a blog breakthrough which is much cheaper and less time consuming than going to a therapist. So things worked out better than expected - hope that becomes a theme in 2008.
So today I got to hear my pregnant co-worker talk all about being pregnant with another friend a few cubes down from me. And I get to hear people congratulate her all the time. And I am happy for her, just sad for me that I didn't get the chance to talk to everyone about my pregnancy and to be congratulated. I wish I was sitting at home because I didn't want to be around the dust and fumes during the office renovation or wearing a little painters mask and rubbing my belly.
And wow do I talk about my miscarriage here a lot but I guess that's because I can't really talk about it anywhere else. As one of my friends said, "We are fine people" which basically means that when people ask how I am doing I always answer "Good" or "Great" or even for awhile "Peachy". But that doesn't mean that I am even sort of any of those things, it just means that I acknowledge that people don't really want to hear how I am doing, and then I get so used to people not caring that I don't even tell the people who do care. The worst part is that I always care, and people know that I always care so I get to listen to other people's problems a lot. I've got the role of the supportive friend down pat and I am glad that I can do it for them, its just that I need to learn how to ask for that support back.
So I went from not having anything to say to having a blog breakthrough which is much cheaper and less time consuming than going to a therapist. So things worked out better than expected - hope that becomes a theme in 2008.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
January 2, 2008
So I realized that yesterday's post was focused on the bad stuff (or really, one bad thing) that happened to me in 2007. So while I am still feeling reflective on the past year I'd like to post about the great stuff that happened in 2007
January - I got married. When I say it was a beautiful day, I mean it was sunny and 70 in Philadelphia. If someone asked me to pick the perfect day that would have been it. Sure there were a few minor bloopers, but how can I not laugh at the fact that the groomsmen were hungover, J forgot his pants and the rabbi told us to "Live long and prosper" complete with the hand signal. I got lucky - it really was a perfect day.
April - Frank the Tank joined our family. We already had one well trained, perfectly behaved dog so why not add an untrained, hyperactive spazz of a puppy to the mix. He needed me, and at the end of the day I needed him too. J nearly killed me for it, but now that Frank is a part of the family he definitely adds to the mix. Though not always in a good way.
May - I went to China for work and got to climb the Great Wall. The food was awful, I got horrendous spider bites and was thrilled to finally get home, but I did climb the Great Wall. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience.
June/July - I got pregnant. Yes I lost the baby a few days later but I was pregnant and for that I will always be grateful. I finally really learned what it means to love and I think that made me a better person.
November/December - I got to spend my first holiday season with my husband. It was crazy and stressful at times, but also wonderful. Being with him is the best Christmas gift of all.
In other news, the office renovations continue and they are currently painting all around me. I'm getting a bit high off the fumes I fear. I talked to the pregnant girl in my office about it and she is continuing to work with a mask on because she wants to save her time off. I'm worried that when/if I ever do get pregnant again I will be every one's worst nightmare - the crazy paranoid pregnant lady. But if it gets me a healthy baby, it will be completely worth it.
January - I got married. When I say it was a beautiful day, I mean it was sunny and 70 in Philadelphia. If someone asked me to pick the perfect day that would have been it. Sure there were a few minor bloopers, but how can I not laugh at the fact that the groomsmen were hungover, J forgot his pants and the rabbi told us to "Live long and prosper" complete with the hand signal. I got lucky - it really was a perfect day.
April - Frank the Tank joined our family. We already had one well trained, perfectly behaved dog so why not add an untrained, hyperactive spazz of a puppy to the mix. He needed me, and at the end of the day I needed him too. J nearly killed me for it, but now that Frank is a part of the family he definitely adds to the mix. Though not always in a good way.
May - I went to China for work and got to climb the Great Wall. The food was awful, I got horrendous spider bites and was thrilled to finally get home, but I did climb the Great Wall. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience.
June/July - I got pregnant. Yes I lost the baby a few days later but I was pregnant and for that I will always be grateful. I finally really learned what it means to love and I think that made me a better person.
November/December - I got to spend my first holiday season with my husband. It was crazy and stressful at times, but also wonderful. Being with him is the best Christmas gift of all.
In other news, the office renovations continue and they are currently painting all around me. I'm getting a bit high off the fumes I fear. I talked to the pregnant girl in my office about it and she is continuing to work with a mask on because she wants to save her time off. I'm worried that when/if I ever do get pregnant again I will be every one's worst nightmare - the crazy paranoid pregnant lady. But if it gets me a healthy baby, it will be completely worth it.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
January 1, 2008
Well hello, 2008. I feel like I've been waiting for you for forever.
2007 wasn't a bad year, just a year with a few really big highs, a couple big lows and lots of in between stuff. But every year I feel like this. I love the start of something new, it's full of potential and hope and freshness. When I was in school, I used to love the first few days of class because my notebooks were so new and fresh but then, just like life, they started to get a bit battered and torn with lots of scribbles and scratches as the year went on.
That was my year - started out great and bright and fresh with my wedding in January. Sure there was the associated family drama but I got married on the most unbelievably beautiful day in January. Life went on as planned until March when a condom broke and I went through those stressful days of wondering if I was or wasn't which made me realize how much I wanted to have a baby. And things continued on as planned but I reveled in the fact that I had great health insurance, tons of day care options and a flexible job so that when I did someday get pregnant things would just fall into place. Or so I thought on July 4, 2007 when I stood looking at a dollar store pregnancy test with two lines. I walked on air for four wonderful days. I didn't drink Coke (those who know me know how huge that is), ate several small, healthy meals a day, made sure to get plenty of rest and peed once every three minutes it seemed.
Then on July 8, 2007 I started to have cramps and spotting. I tried to stay calm, I was out of the country and couldn't get to a doctor, but the spotting and cramping got worse. I got on the plane that morning, flew home and immediately called my doctor who sent me to the ER. I knew what was happening and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. The bleeding was awful at the urgent care center but worse than that was the feeling of being alone and lost. I hadn't even told my husband that I was pregnant, and instead I was going to have to tell him that I had a miscarriage.
The next few days went by in a fog and everyday since then has been tinged with doubt and uncertainty. My husband isn't really ready for kids like I am and I want us both to want it so pregnant is once again a dirty word. And yet, I don't know if I will ever be happy again until I get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby - I've learned that you have to add in that second part since getting pregnant is just half the battle. Sometimes I find myself at peace with it and others I just sit and cry. My pregnancy and subsequent loss have changed me and the way I see the world. Now I need to figure out how to navigate life again.
So yes, I am glad for January 1, 2008. A new fresh start. A new, not so fresh me, but a me I am ready to get know better.
2007 wasn't a bad year, just a year with a few really big highs, a couple big lows and lots of in between stuff. But every year I feel like this. I love the start of something new, it's full of potential and hope and freshness. When I was in school, I used to love the first few days of class because my notebooks were so new and fresh but then, just like life, they started to get a bit battered and torn with lots of scribbles and scratches as the year went on.
That was my year - started out great and bright and fresh with my wedding in January. Sure there was the associated family drama but I got married on the most unbelievably beautiful day in January. Life went on as planned until March when a condom broke and I went through those stressful days of wondering if I was or wasn't which made me realize how much I wanted to have a baby. And things continued on as planned but I reveled in the fact that I had great health insurance, tons of day care options and a flexible job so that when I did someday get pregnant things would just fall into place. Or so I thought on July 4, 2007 when I stood looking at a dollar store pregnancy test with two lines. I walked on air for four wonderful days. I didn't drink Coke (those who know me know how huge that is), ate several small, healthy meals a day, made sure to get plenty of rest and peed once every three minutes it seemed.
Then on July 8, 2007 I started to have cramps and spotting. I tried to stay calm, I was out of the country and couldn't get to a doctor, but the spotting and cramping got worse. I got on the plane that morning, flew home and immediately called my doctor who sent me to the ER. I knew what was happening and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. The bleeding was awful at the urgent care center but worse than that was the feeling of being alone and lost. I hadn't even told my husband that I was pregnant, and instead I was going to have to tell him that I had a miscarriage.
The next few days went by in a fog and everyday since then has been tinged with doubt and uncertainty. My husband isn't really ready for kids like I am and I want us both to want it so pregnant is once again a dirty word. And yet, I don't know if I will ever be happy again until I get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby - I've learned that you have to add in that second part since getting pregnant is just half the battle. Sometimes I find myself at peace with it and others I just sit and cry. My pregnancy and subsequent loss have changed me and the way I see the world. Now I need to figure out how to navigate life again.
So yes, I am glad for January 1, 2008. A new fresh start. A new, not so fresh me, but a me I am ready to get know better.
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