July 31, 2008

I'm in a hormonally induced funk lately; the strangest things seem to get me down and I don't quite know how to get back up just yet.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.

Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.

I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.