I'm in a hormonally induced funk lately; the strangest things seem to get me down and I don't quite know how to get back up just yet.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.
Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.
I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
July 17, 2008
Do I deserve this?
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
July 15, 2008
Today I've seen a lot of traffic on message boards about the issue of formula vs. breast feeding and I am honestly a bit shocked to see how much of an issue this is for people. All of this got me thinking about why I am choosing to formula feed and I decided to put those reasons out here in the open. In part for myself because its my blog and I'll post whatever I want :-) and in part so that others who are trying to make the decision can see the reasons why I chose to formula feed.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I want other people to be able to share the responsibility of feeding my child. I am going to be on my own with this baby and so I am going to take any and all help that I can get from family and friends and if I have the opportunity to take a shower, do laundry or otherwise care for myself, the baby or our home while someone else feeds him I am going to take it.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I strongly feel that the bonding experience between a mother and child comes from the act of being cuddled and cared for, not from the child nursing from the breast. I want my son to bond and feel loved and cared for by his entire family, not just me and I want my family and my husbands family to have the opportunity to bond with him as well.
- I am choosing to formula feed because my work situation is not conducive to pumping. I have my own office but there is a floor to ceiling window next to my door. Taping pieces of paper over the window every time I pump is not going to cut it for me, especially since the culture here is more of a knock as you are opening a door rather than waiting to be told to come in.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I am going to be going back to work part time at 3 weeks and full time at six weeks. Am I happy about this? Of course not, but when my husband is deployed we hope for the best and plan for the worst and I want to have leave set aside that if God forbid something were to happen to him, I would be able to go to be with him. I also have to be realistic in that if our son gets sick, I am the only one who can take off from work to be with him. Yes, I could breast feed him for three weeks, but after reading how delicate newborns digestive tracks are why would I willingly make him switch between breast milk and formula at 3 weeks old?
- I believe that making the decision to breast feed is truly making a decision to live a particular lifestyle. I don't mean this in a negative way, but when breast feeding you do need to commit 100% to doing it. Because of all of the reasons listed above, I know that I would not be able to give that 100% commitment to breast feeding and that the result would be additional stress on me and my son. Which let's be honest, I don't really need at this point in my life and would only make me less able to be a good parent.
Monday, July 14, 2008
July 14, 2008
As promised, today I am including pictures!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
Friday, July 11, 2008
July 11, 2008
So I've been a naughty little blogger and haven't been updating as much as I should but I am going to try to be better!
So what's happened since my last update? Well I am now officially 27 years old. So far 27 is treating me well enough minus the heartburn, backaches...wait, I guess none of that really comes from being 27 does it? I had a very low key birthday at home with the doglings - I cleaned, ran some errands, went to the pool and got some beautiful roses from the hubs. He's definitely not perfect, but some days he comes pretty darn close. All of my other birthday gift either were or were used for maternity clothes.
Speaking of maternity clothes, I don't think you're ready for this belly! I really never thought that I would have a belly that comes out past my boobs at 21-22 weeks but here I am. Bellylicious. I am going to start to post pictures on here to make things a little more interesting and so I can have some sort of journal of this pregnancy. I've been so scared at different points but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can embrace this more so than I have been.
Speaking of heartburn, backaches and pregnancy in general all seems to be going well on that front. I've had a few issues here and there with a short cervix and the fact that I am carrying a monster but things have been relatively drama free. I found out two weeks ago that I am having a little boy! Just like I've known since I saw the second line on that test so it wasn't a huge surprise to have the u/s tech tell me that :-) So Michael August will be joining us sometime this October/November and is spending his time until then kicking, squirming and just generally being a boy in my tummy.
The hubs is of course delighted to be having a boy, though I am sure much of that delight come from the sheer relief of the baby being a he instead of she! He's been in Cali since May and I can't tell you that it hasn't been rough on me. Pregnancy has been scary and I have become more needy that I've ever been in the past, just as my husband needs to shift his focus on prioritize the mission and his Marines. In my current state, I fully recognize that and support him in that since I'd rather him be focused on what he needs to be doing rather than my latest bought of heartburn or Mack's latest belly-ventures (I've decided they can't really be adventures until he's born so he has belly ventures for now). However, there are times when I just want to be the center of his attention and not have to constantly compete with the 30 some-odd Marines of 3rd Platoon. The thing is, he gets it. And I love my husband for that. So I will be spending a week at the end of the month in Palm Springs with my husband just relaxing. It was his decision to stay out there and have me come see him so it could be just the two of us, without having to deal with his family and friends competing for his attention as well.
Much more than just this has gone on, but these are the highlights that make me smile and since its Friday I am going to stop here. In part because its Friday and in part because I need to leave to drive up to Philly soon and the traffic on the beltway is not going to make me smile. I promise to update more soon and to be a good blogger from here on in!
So what's happened since my last update? Well I am now officially 27 years old. So far 27 is treating me well enough minus the heartburn, backaches...wait, I guess none of that really comes from being 27 does it? I had a very low key birthday at home with the doglings - I cleaned, ran some errands, went to the pool and got some beautiful roses from the hubs. He's definitely not perfect, but some days he comes pretty darn close. All of my other birthday gift either were or were used for maternity clothes.
Speaking of maternity clothes, I don't think you're ready for this belly! I really never thought that I would have a belly that comes out past my boobs at 21-22 weeks but here I am. Bellylicious. I am going to start to post pictures on here to make things a little more interesting and so I can have some sort of journal of this pregnancy. I've been so scared at different points but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can embrace this more so than I have been.
Speaking of heartburn, backaches and pregnancy in general all seems to be going well on that front. I've had a few issues here and there with a short cervix and the fact that I am carrying a monster but things have been relatively drama free. I found out two weeks ago that I am having a little boy! Just like I've known since I saw the second line on that test so it wasn't a huge surprise to have the u/s tech tell me that :-) So Michael August will be joining us sometime this October/November and is spending his time until then kicking, squirming and just generally being a boy in my tummy.
The hubs is of course delighted to be having a boy, though I am sure much of that delight come from the sheer relief of the baby being a he instead of she! He's been in Cali since May and I can't tell you that it hasn't been rough on me. Pregnancy has been scary and I have become more needy that I've ever been in the past, just as my husband needs to shift his focus on prioritize the mission and his Marines. In my current state, I fully recognize that and support him in that since I'd rather him be focused on what he needs to be doing rather than my latest bought of heartburn or Mack's latest belly-ventures (I've decided they can't really be adventures until he's born so he has belly ventures for now). However, there are times when I just want to be the center of his attention and not have to constantly compete with the 30 some-odd Marines of 3rd Platoon. The thing is, he gets it. And I love my husband for that. So I will be spending a week at the end of the month in Palm Springs with my husband just relaxing. It was his decision to stay out there and have me come see him so it could be just the two of us, without having to deal with his family and friends competing for his attention as well.
Much more than just this has gone on, but these are the highlights that make me smile and since its Friday I am going to stop here. In part because its Friday and in part because I need to leave to drive up to Philly soon and the traffic on the beltway is not going to make me smile. I promise to update more soon and to be a good blogger from here on in!
July 8, 2008
Today was the one year anniversary of my m/c. It sort of snuck up on me - I knew it was coming and then all of a sudden it was there. In my face. Staring me down and bringing back memories of things that I wished I could forget. I've always been glad that I was pregnant, in spite of how it ended, because I learned more about love and happiness in those few days than I had in my entire life leading up to it. But I've always pushed away the memories of that Monday - the urgent care, the bleeding, the cramping. There was just so much blood, maybe it's been blown out of proportion in my head, but it was everywhere and it just kept coming.
There is that saying about every cloud having a silver lining and I've found that to be true on the two big dates associated with my m/c - my EDD and my anniversary. On my EDD, a friend finalized the adoption of her son and was finally able to bring him home from Guatemala. I hope someday that she writes a book about her life, about how she fought to bring her children home with a strength and resolve I don't know that I would have when faced with the obstacles she took down. Today, another friend who has also suffered a miscarriage went to have her first u/s and there was a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a long and scary road, where so much can go wrong, but when you've had an early loss seeing that heartbeat gives you hope that you thought was lost.
Rationally, I realize that my little probably had nothing to do with these things. But in my heart I know that she was up there doing her thing. Reminding me in the smallest and biggest of ways that life goes on and that love can't be erased by time.
There is that saying about every cloud having a silver lining and I've found that to be true on the two big dates associated with my m/c - my EDD and my anniversary. On my EDD, a friend finalized the adoption of her son and was finally able to bring him home from Guatemala. I hope someday that she writes a book about her life, about how she fought to bring her children home with a strength and resolve I don't know that I would have when faced with the obstacles she took down. Today, another friend who has also suffered a miscarriage went to have her first u/s and there was a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a long and scary road, where so much can go wrong, but when you've had an early loss seeing that heartbeat gives you hope that you thought was lost.
Rationally, I realize that my little probably had nothing to do with these things. But in my heart I know that she was up there doing her thing. Reminding me in the smallest and biggest of ways that life goes on and that love can't be erased by time.
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