March 17, 2008

I've been waiting for this date with a sense of dread and anticipation. St Patrick's Day was my EDD for the pregnancy I lost. As any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss knows, this is a tough day and I had been dreading it. But I was also looking forward to it because I just wanted to get through it and know that I had reached the point in my grieving process where I could get through this date.

My family has always approached death in a sort of unique way in that death should be as much of a celebration of the person's life as it is about grieving for their loss. So I started my day sitting in my tub with the shower running and having a good cry about what could have been. Then I took a deep breath and went out to celebrate St Patrick's Day.

Now celebrating St Patrick's Day may not seem like a big deal to some, but to someone who has grown up as an Irish Dancer celebrating St Patrick's Day quickly loses its luster. Several weekends in a row of back to back performances, multiple parades and spending hours a day in the car is not fun for anyone so by the time I was in high school being pulled out of school for the day was no longer cool. Even as an adult, taking the time off of work was a necessary evil but I often found myself standing in front of a crowd wishing I was checking email or filing, anything but "celebrating".

But this year was different - this year should have been my baby's birthday and I would have been celebrating that new life. Since I couldn't do that I chose to celebrate St Patrick's Day for all it was worth. And my baby gave me an amazing gift because I started to notice all the wonderful things about this crazy holiday that I had long forgotten - the excitement of a 5 or 6 year old when a crowd cheers after their first performance, the joy (and often tears) of the parents and grandparents watching their little ones dance, the wonder on the face of the little ones when they hear huge crowds cheering for them at a parade as they shyly wave to TV cameras. I hugged girls I have known for years as they made their final rounds through the St Patrick's Day circuit before leaving for college. And I enjoyed the time spent with good friends as we huddled in back corner booths of local pubs, exhausted and heads spinning wondering how on Earth we made it through another year. That night, I went home and cuddled with my husband knowing that in finding the simple joys of a day I had long dreaded I had honored the memory of my child.

Thank you, little. For someone so small and who was with me for such a short period of time you managed to teach me so much. Mommy loves you, now and always.