I remember at the beginning of the year I thought that I would post everyday. Clearly that hasn't happened. I don't think I had any idea of where this year was going to take me as I sat on the floor of my husband's bathroom in NJ trying not to vomit from the combination of too much wine and too much champagne on New Year's Eve.
Things are moving along on all fronts. The deployment is getting closer to actually starting for real (as in the whole leaving the country part of it), Mack is doing great and my new lease starts in 5 days and the movers come in 10 days. I've been ridiculously overwhelmed lately - I don't know if its because I'll be out of the condo I've been living in for 2 years in less than 2 weeks or because I am only 80-some odd days from having a baby. I still remember thinking it was such a big deal to be 199 days from my EDD!
And while I am excited to move, I have a strange sense of sadness leaving my current place. This was where I lived while I finished planning my wedding, we were newlyweds sitting at the table writing thank you notes and eating left over wedding cake. I was also here during times when I really questioned our decision to get married when we did and where I came home to with an empty heart after my miscarriage. I'm not the same person that moved in here two years ago, and that is a good thing.
But as I've said before I love new beginnings. I've got big plans for my new place including the dresser I am buying this weekend and the new slipcover I bought for the couch. This will be the place where I bring my son home to and where we will finally be a family a few months after that. A place for fresh starts...and lots of boxes for the next couple of weeks.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
August 10, 2008
26 weeks today - wow, this time next week I'll be starting my third trimester. Crazy how quickly and how slowly time has gone.
Some pictures for your viewing pleasure - the one on the left is me all dressed up for a wedding I went to on Saturday and the one on the right is me all dressed up and showing the belly.
Please excuse all the boxes and mess. I'm moving soon and so packing has begun. Just an FYI for those who are planning/considering a move while pregnant, it is entirely doable but it also totally sucks. Just sayin.
Some pictures for your viewing pleasure - the one on the left is me all dressed up for a wedding I went to on Saturday and the one on the right is me all dressed up and showing the belly.
Please excuse all the boxes and mess. I'm moving soon and so packing has begun. Just an FYI for those who are planning/considering a move while pregnant, it is entirely doable but it also totally sucks. Just sayin.
Friday, August 8, 2008
August 9, 2008
The final countdown begins - I'm less than 100 days from my due date. And its a strange mix of fear and excitement that I am feeling as I realize that this baby is coming.
I keep thinking of something they said over and over last night during one of those human interest athlete montages "Not the triumph, but the struggle." It's probably more than a little cheesy but I find myself relating to it in a way that I never would have before.
So much of the love I have for my husband and for my son come from the struggles we have gone through. Whether its been surviving multiple deployments and 5 years of a long distance relationship (including the first 18months of our relationship) or my miscarriage and the fear of pregnancy after a loss, those struggles are what have gotten me to where I am. It may not be the Normal Rockwell painting I imagined, but I realize that I wouldn't trade in my current situation for that "perfect" scenario. Because I wouldn't have my boys with out the struggles and being with them is the greatest triumph of all.
I keep thinking of something they said over and over last night during one of those human interest athlete montages "Not the triumph, but the struggle." It's probably more than a little cheesy but I find myself relating to it in a way that I never would have before.
So much of the love I have for my husband and for my son come from the struggles we have gone through. Whether its been surviving multiple deployments and 5 years of a long distance relationship (including the first 18months of our relationship) or my miscarriage and the fear of pregnancy after a loss, those struggles are what have gotten me to where I am. It may not be the Normal Rockwell painting I imagined, but I realize that I wouldn't trade in my current situation for that "perfect" scenario. Because I wouldn't have my boys with out the struggles and being with them is the greatest triumph of all.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
July 31, 2008
I'm in a hormonally induced funk lately; the strangest things seem to get me down and I don't quite know how to get back up just yet.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.
Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.
I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.
Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.
I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
July 17, 2008
Do I deserve this?
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.
And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...
But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.
And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.
**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
July 15, 2008
Today I've seen a lot of traffic on message boards about the issue of formula vs. breast feeding and I am honestly a bit shocked to see how much of an issue this is for people. All of this got me thinking about why I am choosing to formula feed and I decided to put those reasons out here in the open. In part for myself because its my blog and I'll post whatever I want :-) and in part so that others who are trying to make the decision can see the reasons why I chose to formula feed.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I want other people to be able to share the responsibility of feeding my child. I am going to be on my own with this baby and so I am going to take any and all help that I can get from family and friends and if I have the opportunity to take a shower, do laundry or otherwise care for myself, the baby or our home while someone else feeds him I am going to take it.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I strongly feel that the bonding experience between a mother and child comes from the act of being cuddled and cared for, not from the child nursing from the breast. I want my son to bond and feel loved and cared for by his entire family, not just me and I want my family and my husbands family to have the opportunity to bond with him as well.
- I am choosing to formula feed because my work situation is not conducive to pumping. I have my own office but there is a floor to ceiling window next to my door. Taping pieces of paper over the window every time I pump is not going to cut it for me, especially since the culture here is more of a knock as you are opening a door rather than waiting to be told to come in.
- I am choosing to formula feed because I am going to be going back to work part time at 3 weeks and full time at six weeks. Am I happy about this? Of course not, but when my husband is deployed we hope for the best and plan for the worst and I want to have leave set aside that if God forbid something were to happen to him, I would be able to go to be with him. I also have to be realistic in that if our son gets sick, I am the only one who can take off from work to be with him. Yes, I could breast feed him for three weeks, but after reading how delicate newborns digestive tracks are why would I willingly make him switch between breast milk and formula at 3 weeks old?
- I believe that making the decision to breast feed is truly making a decision to live a particular lifestyle. I don't mean this in a negative way, but when breast feeding you do need to commit 100% to doing it. Because of all of the reasons listed above, I know that I would not be able to give that 100% commitment to breast feeding and that the result would be additional stress on me and my son. Which let's be honest, I don't really need at this point in my life and would only make me less able to be a good parent.
Monday, July 14, 2008
July 14, 2008
As promised, today I am including pictures!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.
And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)
So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!
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