September 20, 2008

One of my internet friends (hey Newtie!) posted the story of how she and her husband met earlier this week and I loved it. So today I am going to post the story of how J and I met so it will be preserved for all of history, and maybe someday when he is about 45 I will let Michael read this.

It was mid-September 2002. I was still recovering from breaking up with the guy I had been dating since I was not-quite 15, though dating is a lose term for the college years...we were bascially sleeping together while he dated other people. Sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't but the self-esteem issues that go along with that debacle are worthy of their own post. Anyway. I was dealing with said breakup in a way that only seems constructive when you are 20/21 years old and recently had returned from a semester abroad. I drank (alot) and had sex (even more). It wasn't pretty.

So I had just returned from six months of this chaos, was interning on a political campaign and finishing up my last semester of school when one of my best friends (we shall now call her BF because I am too lazy to type) asked me to go to a party with her. And not just any party, a party on her friend's friend's dad's sailboat. God love you if you could follow that. I had tons of stuff to do for school, I was still competitivly dancing at the time and had a million reasons not to go but at the last minute I decided that I deserved a break and that I was going to go with BF. So we packed up our bags, hopped in the car and away we went.

Now as we are driving I start to ask more details and I learn that the girl to guy ratio is significantly in my favor. I then bust out a quote that has gone down in history among all my college friends.

If I don't get laid tonight, I'm gonna be pissed.

Thats right. Classiest 21 year old ever. I was that girl that kept all the Mom's awake at night when they thought of their dear, sweet innocent little boys at college.

So we arrive. We meet up some other people who are going to be on this boat - two guys, neither one particularly interesting to me. We get on a smaller boat to take us out to the big boat and now I am finally getting a full look of all of my options. And there he is, a tall skinny Marine (who shall now be known as TSM) cooking burgers and drinking beer but obviously engrossed in a conversation with a girl. Damnit. No wait, they are talking about their Mom. Score, it's his sister. I turn to BF and say "Mine." She rolls her and eyes and laughs, apparently having known this was going to be the guy before we even got to the party.

So the night goes on. I quickly learn that TSM is painfully shy and awkward around girls which of course makes me drool like a lion looking at a gazelle with a broken leg. We sail, we chat, we get to the place we need to be for the night and drop anchor. We all start drinking including TSM, who after several beers decides that he is going to make a martini.

Now this martini deserves its own paragraph and here's why. TSM has never had a martini, never made a martini, or really been even remotely involved with a martini. We are on a boat so there are no martini glasses so he gets out a 16oz plastic tumbler and proceeds to make a 50/50 mixture of gin and vermoth. Now I am no expert but even I can tell this is a bad idea. He continues to add gin, vermouth and olive juice trying to make it taste better until the tumbler is full. TSM feels he has now reached the point of no return because to not drink it in front of me would be the ultimate shame to his masculinity so he ends up drinking all 16oz of this concoction. You'll learn why this is important later.

So the evening progresses. TSM and I are talking, I suggest we leave everyone below and go up on deck so we can talk where it is quieter. We are followed by one of his friends (let's refer to him as BM, short for best man because he was the best man at our wedding, for very good reason). He quickly realizes his mistake, doesn't want to be obvious to us or everyone down below so he suggests that TSM take me to the front of the boat since I hadn't been up there yet - mind you there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to see. We jump at the chance, TSM tries to be deep and talk about how much he loves the ocean while I calculate how much longer I have before this guy passes out and decide to make my move. So I kiss him.

After kissing for a few minutes TSM decides that it is time for everyone to go to bed and that he and I should sleep next to each other. Of course, we are sleeping next to each other in the same berth as three other people, including BM who is perched on this ledge directly next to us. Lights go out, things progress (there is an absolutely hysterical story about a velcro fly that I'll spare you the details of) and of course I being who I was at that point in my life end up having sex with TSM. Poor BMs little ledge of a bed collapses during our escapades so he ends up sleeping on the deck of the boat because he just wants to give us some privacy and my BF and her friend who originally invited us on the boat were desperately trying to sleep. Trashtastic.

We fall asleep but I wake up a few hours later and realize that TSM is gone. Sweet I initially think, I don't have to deal with awkward goodbyes but then I see him, sitting on the deck alone and immediately I realize that something about this guy is different because I actually want to go sit with him. After a few minutes I go up to check on him. As I sit down, he pulls me close so we can share the blanket he was wrapped in and I am struck by how nice it is to be close to him. He then busts out one of the most classic relationship conversations ever:

TSM: I really like you.
Me: Yeah...I like you. **Thinking, crap now what**
TSM: I'm gonna throw up now. **Proceeds to vomit off the side of the boat**

So back to bed we go and I wake up again shortly before sunrise. I sneak out of the bed and climb back up on deck to watch the sun come up alone. TSM realizes that I've gone and comes to find me and we sit and watch it together. No talking, just watching. I tell him to go lay down because I know he isn't feeling well and he tells me that he feels better just being with me. Part of me considers jumping in the water and swimming to land but I stay there and enjoy the moment.

Everyone else starts to wake up, and TSM makes stupid, sappy comment after stupid, sappy comment that we still make fun of him of him for today. We finally get back and as I am leaving (assuming that its been just another one night stand) he gets off the boat with me, asks me for my number and to the USMC birthday ball. I tell him no to both, that I had a great time and that if he really wants to talk to get my email from the guy who invited me on the boat. A final kiss and I was gone, thinking I'd never hear from this guy again.

How we got from here to marriage and a baby on the way is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day...

September 9, 2008

So yeah...I've been neglecting my blog again. Though its not like I've been out partying and what not; since my last post I have finished packing up one apartment, moved and (mostly) unpacked the new apartment. I even started hanging pictures tonight, which is when I realized that even though my husband's insistance on DIY projects can drive me batshit crazy he is rather handy to have around when it comes to hanging pictures. Oh well, there is only one picture that is both off center and crooked so I feel like I did a pretty good job for someone who is 30 weeks pregnant.

Speaking of my husband, he is currently in Kuwait waiting for transport to his final destination. I hate that he is gone but am relieved that he is at the same time. It's finally begun and now that its begun we can start planning for life after deployment #3. Let the countdown to his homecoming begin.

Another countdown rapidly come to an end is the countdown to my due date. I am a little over 30 weeks right now which I feel makes me officially very pregnant. Here is a picture of my 30 week belly - any thoughts to where the rest of this kid is going to go because I can imagine my stomach getting any larger than it already is!


I wish I wasn't still so scared about losing this baby and that I could just enjoy these final days but I guess having a loss, even an early one, will do that to you. I worry about cord accidents, pre-term labor and lately something happening to him after he is born. At least I am getting to the point where I can occasionally picture bringing him home.

And home is just about ready for him. Other than hanging a few more pictures and getting some boxes into the storage unit, I am settled. In the picture below you'll see two dressers - those are going to become a changing table - and an empty corner that will soon be occupied by a crib. A crib that this child of mine is going to sleep in. At least in theory since it seems that he likes to sleep all day and party all night. But he is going to be in there sleeping at least occasionally and that is amazing.


I'll be sure to post more pictures of the new place as soon as I finish decorating. It's certainly nothing spectacular but its home and so far I am liking it here. Now that I am getting settled I promise to do a better job of posting more regularly. Or at the very least I will try - who knows whats next in this crazy life I am living.

August 20, 2008

I remember at the beginning of the year I thought that I would post everyday. Clearly that hasn't happened. I don't think I had any idea of where this year was going to take me as I sat on the floor of my husband's bathroom in NJ trying not to vomit from the combination of too much wine and too much champagne on New Year's Eve.

Things are moving along on all fronts. The deployment is getting closer to actually starting for real (as in the whole leaving the country part of it), Mack is doing great and my new lease starts in 5 days and the movers come in 10 days. I've been ridiculously overwhelmed lately - I don't know if its because I'll be out of the condo I've been living in for 2 years in less than 2 weeks or because I am only 80-some odd days from having a baby. I still remember thinking it was such a big deal to be 199 days from my EDD!

And while I am excited to move, I have a strange sense of sadness leaving my current place. This was where I lived while I finished planning my wedding, we were newlyweds sitting at the table writing thank you notes and eating left over wedding cake. I was also here during times when I really questioned our decision to get married when we did and where I came home to with an empty heart after my miscarriage. I'm not the same person that moved in here two years ago, and that is a good thing.

But as I've said before I love new beginnings. I've got big plans for my new place including the dresser I am buying this weekend and the new slipcover I bought for the couch. This will be the place where I bring my son home to and where we will finally be a family a few months after that. A place for fresh starts...and lots of boxes for the next couple of weeks.

August 10, 2008

26 weeks today - wow, this time next week I'll be starting my third trimester. Crazy how quickly and how slowly time has gone.

Some pictures for your viewing pleasure - the one on the left is me all dressed up for a wedding I went to on Saturday and the one on the right is me all dressed up and showing the belly.
















Please excuse all the boxes and mess. I'm moving soon and so packing has begun. Just an FYI for those who are planning/considering a move while pregnant, it is entirely doable but it also totally sucks. Just sayin.

August 9, 2008

The final countdown begins - I'm less than 100 days from my due date. And its a strange mix of fear and excitement that I am feeling as I realize that this baby is coming.

I keep thinking of something they said over and over last night during one of those human interest athlete montages "Not the triumph, but the struggle." It's probably more than a little cheesy but I find myself relating to it in a way that I never would have before.

So much of the love I have for my husband and for my son come from the struggles we have gone through. Whether its been surviving multiple deployments and 5 years of a long distance relationship (including the first 18months of our relationship) or my miscarriage and the fear of pregnancy after a loss, those struggles are what have gotten me to where I am. It may not be the Normal Rockwell painting I imagined, but I realize that I wouldn't trade in my current situation for that "perfect" scenario. Because I wouldn't have my boys with out the struggles and being with them is the greatest triumph of all.

July 31, 2008

I'm in a hormonally induced funk lately; the strangest things seem to get me down and I don't quite know how to get back up just yet.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got home from my trip out to CA to see my husband. It was a wonderful six days, but in the end it was only six days. I cried at the airport. I never cry in public. It's a common joke between my husband and his friends that I don't love him because I'm not cuddly, I don't participate in PDAs and I've never cried when he deployed (at least not in front of him). But this time, I cried. I cried because I am going to miss him. I cried because I am scared of doing this without him, even for just a short time. I cried because of all of the things he is going to miss out on. And I cried because deep down, even though I know that his assignment is going to be the least dangerous he's ever had, I am numbingly, paralyzingly afraid that he isn't going to come home.

Normally I try to get right back up and move forward. The first few weeks of a deployment usually mean that I am going to work early and staying late, spending extra time at the gym and tackling projects at home right and left. This time I just feel weighted down, like I just can't move forward and so instead I sit. I sit and listen to songs that I know will make me cry because I need the "permission" those songs give me to just let go and be sad.

I don't know what is better emotionally, moving forward or sitting, but I know that I have to get up sooner rather than later because I've got a lot to do in the next 8 months.

July 17, 2008

Do I deserve this?

Today is just one of those days where I find myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be pregnant. I read a post on one of the message boards I lurk on about people feeling sad because so many people they know got pregnant before them and moved on to a pregnancy oriented board. Many of these girls have been trying 6+ months, and my heart breaks for them that this isn't easier for them - I almost wish that if you have to have IF, or if you have to have a m/c that you should automatically have a free pass so that no one has to deal with both of these issues. Unfortunately, last time I checked, I don't get to make the rules.

And I feel guilty. Because I am pregnant and things are going well. Because it only took me two tries. Because I moved on and left these girls behind. And I said that I wasn't going to leave them behind but I did because I feel like it hurts them more to see me and hear about my pregnancy then it would for me to just fade away...

But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably wouldn't even have the chance to get pregnant again until next spring. And I tried unsuccessfully for a few months, before sitting and waiting for several more months. And while I waited, I had to sit and watch girls try and fail or try and be successful. Either way, I was insanely jealous of those who were trying because at least they were doing something. At least they had hope. And when they do get pregnant, their husbands will be there. He'll be there to hear the heartbeat, for the big u/s. Their baby will get to meet their Daddy right away, not at 6+ months old. And they won't have to live with the "What if" that I'll be living with everyday until my husband comes home.

And so there is the rub in these situations. So often it seems unfair that someone has everything you so desperately want but how do you know that you don't have the thing they want just as much? I've learned recently that just because someone seems to have it all on the outside doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.

**Authors Note - This isn't directed at anyone, and I hope that no one is hurt or offended by this post. These were just things that I needed to say and I hope that people can understand that.**