May 11, 2008

It's Mother's Day, and today I am finally at a point where I can tentatively say that I am on the verge of becoming a mother again. I keep beating around the bush with everyone, because it is hard for me to say...but here it goes...I am pregnant. Thirteen weekends along in fact and due on November 16, 2008.

I've known for awhile but the thought of putting it out there, and then having to take it back again nearly killed me. So I've been hiding but it's hard to hide when so many people know; it's not just hiding the pregnancy, it's hiding from building up hope and allowing yourself to be happy about this. Pregnancy after a loss is debilitating at times as you get stuck in your own fear. Analyzing what is going on in your body - one can only function so well while running to check for spotting, squeezing one's boobs, googling symptoms and debating if you are feeling nauseous or not.

But here I am, at the magical 13 week mark - still terrified but glimmers of hope peak in more and more now. I am pregnant, and I have finally started to believe that this baby is going to be born this fall. And then I will cross that line and become a Mom.

April 29, 2008

I've been away for a long time.  There are so many things that are going on in my life right now, so much that I fear and so much that I am hoping for all at the same time.  Often they are the same things.  I have things I want to say, but not the courage.  Yet.

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom ~ Marilyn Ferguson

March 17, 2008

I've been waiting for this date with a sense of dread and anticipation. St Patrick's Day was my EDD for the pregnancy I lost. As any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss knows, this is a tough day and I had been dreading it. But I was also looking forward to it because I just wanted to get through it and know that I had reached the point in my grieving process where I could get through this date.

My family has always approached death in a sort of unique way in that death should be as much of a celebration of the person's life as it is about grieving for their loss. So I started my day sitting in my tub with the shower running and having a good cry about what could have been. Then I took a deep breath and went out to celebrate St Patrick's Day.

Now celebrating St Patrick's Day may not seem like a big deal to some, but to someone who has grown up as an Irish Dancer celebrating St Patrick's Day quickly loses its luster. Several weekends in a row of back to back performances, multiple parades and spending hours a day in the car is not fun for anyone so by the time I was in high school being pulled out of school for the day was no longer cool. Even as an adult, taking the time off of work was a necessary evil but I often found myself standing in front of a crowd wishing I was checking email or filing, anything but "celebrating".

But this year was different - this year should have been my baby's birthday and I would have been celebrating that new life. Since I couldn't do that I chose to celebrate St Patrick's Day for all it was worth. And my baby gave me an amazing gift because I started to notice all the wonderful things about this crazy holiday that I had long forgotten - the excitement of a 5 or 6 year old when a crowd cheers after their first performance, the joy (and often tears) of the parents and grandparents watching their little ones dance, the wonder on the face of the little ones when they hear huge crowds cheering for them at a parade as they shyly wave to TV cameras. I hugged girls I have known for years as they made their final rounds through the St Patrick's Day circuit before leaving for college. And I enjoyed the time spent with good friends as we huddled in back corner booths of local pubs, exhausted and heads spinning wondering how on Earth we made it through another year. That night, I went home and cuddled with my husband knowing that in finding the simple joys of a day I had long dreaded I had honored the memory of my child.

Thank you, little. For someone so small and who was with me for such a short period of time you managed to teach me so much. Mommy loves you, now and always.

February 27, 2008

It's been awhile. I just needed a break - bad news when you need a break from the place you use as your safe place to talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings. My near miss post really made me feel vulnerable, and I needed to retreat.

But now I am back, and I am struggling. I feel like my "safe places" are becoming less safe. That I can't just be me without worrying that I hurt or offend others, and this is a place where I would never want to hurt anyone any more than they are already hurting. And so I max myself out supporting others but it feels like when I look to get that support in return people get hurt.

So yeah, I'm feeling pretty down tonight.

February 11, 2008

Oh dear god. I posted my 2/11 blog on a work related blog. Thank god it seems like no one saw it but oh my god. Oh my god.

Note to self, be very careful where blogs are posted...

February 10, 2008

The weekend is ending. And it was pretty good overall - I got some rest, the house is clean and I feel like I am ready to start up the week. Last week I had a lot on my mind and I am pretty sure that I'll have a clearer head this week.

The VA primary is on Tuesday so I've got to put some time into figuring out where I need to go to vote. I even offered to volunteer with the campaign of my candidate of choice so we will see where that leads.

February 8, 2008

Just a quote today...

"Life is not just a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."