July 14, 2008

As promised, today I am including pictures!

First of all - here is Baby Michael. I'm hoping he doesn't look so much like Skeletor when he finally gets here but this is one of the better ones we got of him so far. He's already a bit of a handful and is generally uncooperative so we haven't been able to get any really cute profile shots of him yet. I think this is his was of getting revenge for me not eating as much ice cream as he would like me to.

And as I've said before, I don't think you're ready for this 22w1d belly. But here it is. I can't believe that I am already so big - I feel like I should be barely showing yet there is no mistaking what that belly is! I am starting to feel like short me + monster baby Michael = ridiculously huge pregnant woman. I'll take it though :-)



So there is my show and tell for the day. Had a busy but fun weekend - I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday and brunch with my Aunts on Sunday. Oh how I do love home and hate to leave, but I know that I feel that way because I live in Northern Virginia and not in Philadelphia!

July 11, 2008

So I've been a naughty little blogger and haven't been updating as much as I should but I am going to try to be better!

So what's happened since my last update? Well I am now officially 27 years old. So far 27 is treating me well enough minus the heartburn, backaches...wait, I guess none of that really comes from being 27 does it? I had a very low key birthday at home with the doglings - I cleaned, ran some errands, went to the pool and got some beautiful roses from the hubs. He's definitely not perfect, but some days he comes pretty darn close. All of my other birthday gift either were or were used for maternity clothes.

Speaking of maternity clothes, I don't think you're ready for this belly! I really never thought that I would have a belly that comes out past my boobs at 21-22 weeks but here I am. Bellylicious. I am going to start to post pictures on here to make things a little more interesting and so I can have some sort of journal of this pregnancy. I've been so scared at different points but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can embrace this more so than I have been.

Speaking of heartburn, backaches and pregnancy in general all seems to be going well on that front. I've had a few issues here and there with a short cervix and the fact that I am carrying a monster but things have been relatively drama free. I found out two weeks ago that I am having a little boy! Just like I've known since I saw the second line on that test so it wasn't a huge surprise to have the u/s tech tell me that :-) So Michael August will be joining us sometime this October/November and is spending his time until then kicking, squirming and just generally being a boy in my tummy.

The hubs is of course delighted to be having a boy, though I am sure much of that delight come from the sheer relief of the baby being a he instead of she! He's been in Cali since May and I can't tell you that it hasn't been rough on me. Pregnancy has been scary and I have become more needy that I've ever been in the past, just as my husband needs to shift his focus on prioritize the mission and his Marines. In my current state, I fully recognize that and support him in that since I'd rather him be focused on what he needs to be doing rather than my latest bought of heartburn or Mack's latest belly-ventures (I've decided they can't really be adventures until he's born so he has belly ventures for now). However, there are times when I just want to be the center of his attention and not have to constantly compete with the 30 some-odd Marines of 3rd Platoon. The thing is, he gets it. And I love my husband for that. So I will be spending a week at the end of the month in Palm Springs with my husband just relaxing. It was his decision to stay out there and have me come see him so it could be just the two of us, without having to deal with his family and friends competing for his attention as well.

Much more than just this has gone on, but these are the highlights that make me smile and since its Friday I am going to stop here. In part because its Friday and in part because I need to leave to drive up to Philly soon and the traffic on the beltway is not going to make me smile. I promise to update more soon and to be a good blogger from here on in!

July 8, 2008

Today was the one year anniversary of my m/c. It sort of snuck up on me - I knew it was coming and then all of a sudden it was there. In my face. Staring me down and bringing back memories of things that I wished I could forget. I've always been glad that I was pregnant, in spite of how it ended, because I learned more about love and happiness in those few days than I had in my entire life leading up to it. But I've always pushed away the memories of that Monday - the urgent care, the bleeding, the cramping. There was just so much blood, maybe it's been blown out of proportion in my head, but it was everywhere and it just kept coming.

There is that saying about every cloud having a silver lining and I've found that to be true on the two big dates associated with my m/c - my EDD and my anniversary. On my EDD, a friend finalized the adoption of her son and was finally able to bring him home from Guatemala. I hope someday that she writes a book about her life, about how she fought to bring her children home with a strength and resolve I don't know that I would have when faced with the obstacles she took down. Today, another friend who has also suffered a miscarriage went to have her first u/s and there was a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a long and scary road, where so much can go wrong, but when you've had an early loss seeing that heartbeat gives you hope that you thought was lost.

Rationally, I realize that my little probably had nothing to do with these things. But in my heart I know that she was up there doing her thing. Reminding me in the smallest and biggest of ways that life goes on and that love can't be erased by time.

June 14, 2008

Today is my last day as a 26 year old. When I think of the past year, I can't imagine how much my life has changed since my first day being 26. Last year I was out at a bar, feeling drunk and getting drunker. Tonight I am sitting on my couch, feeling taps and wondering if I should eat cookies or not.

26 was rough - there were days when I really didn't think my marriage was going to make it, I hated my job and I just wanted things to change. And they did. My miscarriage was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it didn't end with the bleeding. There were months of grieving, questioning and fear and I never knew if I was ever going to find my way out.

Yet I did. Now, I am facing a whole new set of fears and questions. But I know that I have the strength to survive and on days when I begin to question that, these little kicks remind me that I don't really have an option.

June 3, 2008

I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you, poor blog. I started the year with high hopes of posting daily but then you know, life happens and yeah. I didn't.

Today has been a week since Jon left. One week. We've gone longer than that without seeing each other before for any number of reasons but then we always knew when the next time would be. This time (and like the times he's been deployed before) there is no clear cut deadline or date to count down to. Instead there is just guesses and estimates. And lots of time to pass.

He moved all of his stuff down before he left this time. Leaving my apartment disorganized and cluttered which of course sent me into a cleaning binge. After all, my husband may be gone and I don't know when I will see him again and I am going to have our baby while he is away but at the very least my apartment will be clean. I ended up regretting it though - his smell is gone. His pillow smells clean, and there aren't any t-shirts that smell like him. And I miss that.

People have been wonderful, and supportive. So many people ask what they can do to help me and there is. Tonight, give your husband/wife/significant other a hug. And smell them. Because believe me, you'll miss that when you wash it out of your sheets.

May 11, 2008

It's Mother's Day, and today I am finally at a point where I can tentatively say that I am on the verge of becoming a mother again. I keep beating around the bush with everyone, because it is hard for me to say...but here it goes...I am pregnant. Thirteen weekends along in fact and due on November 16, 2008.

I've known for awhile but the thought of putting it out there, and then having to take it back again nearly killed me. So I've been hiding but it's hard to hide when so many people know; it's not just hiding the pregnancy, it's hiding from building up hope and allowing yourself to be happy about this. Pregnancy after a loss is debilitating at times as you get stuck in your own fear. Analyzing what is going on in your body - one can only function so well while running to check for spotting, squeezing one's boobs, googling symptoms and debating if you are feeling nauseous or not.

But here I am, at the magical 13 week mark - still terrified but glimmers of hope peak in more and more now. I am pregnant, and I have finally started to believe that this baby is going to be born this fall. And then I will cross that line and become a Mom.

April 29, 2008

I've been away for a long time.  There are so many things that are going on in my life right now, so much that I fear and so much that I am hoping for all at the same time.  Often they are the same things.  I have things I want to say, but not the courage.  Yet.

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom ~ Marilyn Ferguson